Sisterly issue - quite long

twinkle · 11-30-2004, 05:52 PM

I didn't know where to put this... it's about my sister, she's younger than I am, she's 21, not quite a teen ager, and yet!

So after this disastrous relationship with her first bf (she was 17), she leaves him in a access of rage and goes to the seaside with some friends. She met there a nice guy, very very nice, quiet, calm and mature; in less then 3 days she was in another relationship.

We were too happy because of the change to see the pattern.

So after almost two years, the last practically living together, she suddenly decides to leave him too.

I must say that my sister is especially attractive and has a very kind heart. So boys are crazy over her. Litterally, the nightmare of each parent, LOOL.

Anyway, the thing is that I see myself a lot in her. She's very impulsive, dedicated and pasionate about what she does. Let's just say that these last days she kept talking about her dance classes-latino dancing. Her soon to be ex was the quiet type, not very high profile, certainly not a dancer...Hum... I said nothing, I took ballet classes for 9 years,so I understand this type of acke.

Ok, I said "great" when she broke up, because I've been in her shoes with my ex. But due to my parents' pressure and my own feelings of guilt, I gave in and went back to him. Big mistake!!!

That's why I was determined not to let my parents do the same...

But there's a trick. It seems she left him because... of another young attractive dancer. This was not my case.A younger dancer. Much younger. I'm the only one n the family who knows and most of her friends laughed at her when they found out... Meanwhile her ex keeps leaving roses at her door, talking to my mom, promising to change, everything.

And the nasty stuff is that if I was very protective and wanted to help her preserve her independence, I don't quite approve of her behaviour. It's like she's not inlove, she's in lust over this... teenager. I didn't tell her, she's very disoriented now and needs someone to confide in.

I'm 3000 km away, but will go back home in a couple of weeks. We spend a fortune over long distance calls. Besides, I really pray she'll come to her senses... what can I do? What can I say?

Very few people know she has someone new, especially so soon (it's a matter of days. Again.)

Any type of advice is greatly appreciated.

Duke · 11-30-2004, 07:10 PM

Get her to sign up here and talk, it's free.

I think she may be sewing her wild oates so what she's doing is natural IMO. I know I did it and so did many other guys I know, some women are no different.

One day she may wake up and realize that her life is really empty and you can't fill it unless you commit. Until that day comes (and it may be a few years away), all you can do is love her as a sister and stay out of it.

Duke · 11-30-2004, 07:15 PM

Created a new forum for family issues, thanks for the idea twinkle ;-)

Stone · 11-30-2004, 07:37 PM

Unfortunatly I think the only thing you can do is listen and support the desicions she makes, she is young and like duke said probably sweing wild oats.... It really stinks when faimly ( parents) hearts are involved in relationships it makes the breakup hard on not just the people splitting up but the whole faimly to, the only advice I would give her is to make sure of what she want's before making any rash desicions and always tell her to be safe. Plus she's only 21 there is no need for her to be "married off yet"

twinkle · 12-01-2004, 04:49 AM

Yeah, you're right.

But what bugs me is the way she did acted. She left her poor ex like an old sock. I mean, I totally agree to not giving ground and hope again, but she was heartless. They had a fight and the next day, he packed his stuff and off he was out of her life.

Sure, she's young, she needn't mourn a year... but her ex meant something. He helped her, sacrificed for her, she was saying she was inlove...

I just wish she had acted in a more diplomatic way. Especially since she pushed my parents to meet his parents, dine, go out together... My mom is feeling guilty. I told her to stay out and that in the end, my sister was her daugther, not Julian.

Let's just say that there's a very bad damage control.

I'd die if my bf would ever do this to me. I'd hate him for the rest of my life and we don't even live together...

I don't even want to think about the holidays. Her ex lives in our town quite near us...

Merika · 12-01-2004, 08:05 AM

Ahhh Twinkle.... I could see why you want to take the role of trying to protect her from making mistakes. However, given her age, what mistake could she possibly make which will ruin her whole life? She's young enough to explore every option and still have time to spare.

If she's young enough, healthy enough and good looking enough....let her breeze thru those guys like shoes. She's building memories!! One day she'll be married, have 3 kids and be stuck. What she does NOW will give her something to smile about THEN.

I did plenty of all that jumping from guy to guy while I was younger and still do my share......haha! It's what makes life INTERESTING! If she leaves a few broken hearts along the way.....big deal! They'll live and get over it.

She sounds like a wonderful fun young woman having the time of her life!!!!

Duke....the Family threads is a great idea! I'm surprised we didn't think of it sooner!!!

calizza · 12-01-2004, 08:50 AM

Wow cold hearts.

Merika · 12-01-2004, 08:59 AM

I didn't mean it in a 'cold kinda way' Calizza. Now I feel bad! I guess I look at dating so much different than a real relationship. It's like a SIMS Realty game....yet live.

It also depends how many times you get hit on. Working in the shipyards....I could easily get asked out 10-30 times a day. (Not becasue I was so special....just one of the few females in site!) How seriously can I really take that kind of a situation or myself? Therefore, you deal with it in a more casual way.

The same is true in going out to a bar here. There are HUNDREDS of guys here due to the Navy base. It's overwhelming. So....you learn to play.

calizza · 12-01-2004, 09:08 AM

Ya I know u aren't really mean Merika

It is different in a dating situation, there is no relationship and love there. But this guy and girl did have a relationship. I already feel sorry for the poor guy, but he is better off this way. It is better for him to hurt now than 10-20 years down the road and he finds out the love of his life either turns unfaithful or leaves him after that long. She must have not really loved him or at least quit loving him.
I will say I been with the same woman since I was young ( the last 10 years) and havent regreted not going out and eating at the buffet, but I know thats not the norm.

Duke · 12-01-2004, 06:24 PM

No offense but she's a shallow bag. One day it will actually catch up with her.

I can say this because it's exactly how I was and it finally caught up with me. One day she'll find someone she really likes and he'll likely dump her hard. It's part of many of our youths and completely normal, nothing to worry about.

I would say though that it is in your families best interests to tell her she's on her own because there's nothing worse than bonding with the family of flavor of the day.

Merika · 12-01-2004, 07:00 PM

Why would someone be considered shallow at 20 years of age if they played the field? Maybe she is deep enough to know she isn't ready to be with only one person and wants to test the waters.

I don't think people are shallow if they play as long as they are honest about it. And yeah....maybe they will grow out of it. But at 20...why bother?

Stone · 12-01-2004, 07:06 PM

O.k Not to start the battle of the sexes battle but I don't think there is anything abnormal about what twinkles sister did.

She's young and pretty she can get what she want's so more power to her I think it's great. I also think it's o.k. to be shallow at 21 or any age really it shows confidence and high standards.... I am sure I'll get ripped for that one but that's o.k. :wink:

Duke · 12-01-2004, 07:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Merika

Why would someone be considered shallow at 20 years of age if they played the field?

IMO, shallowness comes from deriving self gratification at the expense of others which is exactly what I did and what she's currently doing. She may be playing the field but it's not all that harmless, people are getting hurt and that part of it isn't fair. I've done exactly the same thing when I was younger. You end up using people for your own purposes and moving on regardless of how much you hurt others. Many people don't just get into relationships with no expectation of commitment, in fact, it's quite the opposite.

That's why I call it shallow. She's abusing her looks and using it to sack guys and then dumping them cold with little or no reason. It's not fair and you end up hurting some really great people along the way.

Stone · 12-01-2004, 08:01 PM

I understand where you are comming from Duke, But you can't save everyone from being hurt, That's life sometime's you get hurt and hopefully learn from it. I have broken several hearts and I know my day is comming but Why should one hold back their wants just to protect another person? Learning is the purpose of living.