self hatred

PepsiChic · 12-01-2007, 03:39 PM

ive never liked myself. never. and never been given reason to.

i know i should now, i have a loving amaizng fiancee who treats me like im the most amazing person in the world.

but i really really hate myself.

Luba · 12-01-2007, 06:44 PM

I love you, I think you are amazing, have a great sense of humour, a kind and loving heart...just for starters.....

PepsiChic · 12-02-2007, 02:19 AM

Fb tells me those things, i just cant get my head to agree. i get so distressed thinking im doing something or saying something wrong, i apologize for everything, duke notices it constantly tells me theres no need to apologize for whatever it is ive apologized for (thankyou duke).

my heads pretty messed up right now, and i feel guilty for it, because i should be happy, so many negative things in my life weighin down on me tho, its making me so depressed and i shouldnt be, other people are worse off, so i feel guilty for feeling like sh1t.

Duke · 12-02-2007, 08:32 PM

You should never feel guilty about being honest with yourself. We all go through our ups and downs GG but in your case you tend to feel guilt and that your somehow being a pest (which couldn't be further from the truth).

I can say that you've found a place where you can come when your feeling up, down, sideways, whatever; and we'll always be here for you.

Meanon · 12-03-2007, 06:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GamerGal

ive never liked myself. never. and never been given reason to.

Don't give yourself a hard time about it GG. Everyone I know who has this problem, there is a really good reason, I'm sure that's true for you too. Beliefs about self and the world are learned very young and it's really hard in adulthood to change them, even if people tell you you're great. It can be done though and you've shown you can overcome problems in life, so you've got what it takes. Like Duke says, we all feel down at times, that's part of life. Blaming yourself for it will make you feel worse. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you GG

PepsiChic · 12-03-2007, 10:12 PM

thankyou duke, and meanon, i feel bad for ranting and getting depressed, i really do. because i have so many good things in life now, and i am truly thankful for them all. its just hard when the past haunts you.

Zil · 12-03-2007, 11:14 PM

You said it all right there, GG. Sometimes the past really brings me down, too. This is my biggest fear, actually, with moving back to Tennessee and being (primarily) around "ex-in-laws" all the time. They truly are family still, and they're really great... but being around them causes me to think/remember way too much that I don't want to.

The past and the memories and those experiences will always be there for all of us, good or bad. It's learning to deal with it all and pressing on towards a brighter future that we all must focus on.

Meanon · 12-04-2007, 04:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GamerGal

thankyou duke, and meanon, i feel bad for ranting and getting depressed, i really do. because i have so many good things in life now, and i am truly thankful for them all. its just hard when the past haunts you.

If you felt bad and didn't express it or do something about it, would that mean you didn't get depressed? Would it be a good or helpful thing? You need to express these feelings when you have them, GG. If you are doing the right thing, there's nothing to feel guilty about.

One of the ways that the past haunts people is that the habits of childhood persist. As Zil says, reminders of the past affect the way you think. Self blame is a survival strategy learned in childhood. A child is powerless, they can not confront and blame a critical parent so they blame themselves - it's necessary for their survival within the family. The first step to changing it is noticing when you do it, and you are begininng to do that a lot already. I'm not sure from your post if you realise that you're blaming yourself for blaming yourself.

I find it really helps to have some practical things to do to challenge the thoughts/habits directly. There are books and website resources I can recommend if you want to try this out to see if it works for you. Whatever way you choose, you're getting there GG.

The antidote to self blame is self compassion. Hard I know but imagine you are a friend and see if you can't give yourself an encouraging "well done" for all the good in your life that you've achieved and for the being the lovely person that everyone says you are, even if you don't believe them yet.

Zil · 12-04-2007, 08:24 PM

Very well said, Meanon.

Fireblade · 12-05-2007, 08:51 AM

I've helped her a lot over the last year, she isn't nearly as depressed and stuff as she used to be... I'm trying, it's hard sometimes and sometimes when I'm in a bad mood I do more harm than good

PepsiChic · 12-06-2007, 02:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Meanon

I find it really helps to have some practical things to do to challenge the thoughts/habits directly. There are books and website resources I can recommend if you want to try this out to see if it works for you. Whatever way you choose, you're getting there GG.

if you have some things you can suggest id really appreciated it meanon, thankyou for your kind words.

life can be hard, and i do try to find positive in a lot of things, but not everything has a positive, and when everything piles up, you tend to only see the negatives in everything rather then the slight positives that might be there.

and Fireblade is right, my depression now is so much better then it was. I had literally given up on life before he became my friend and lover. Taking my own life had been something in front of my mind for a while, Ive been down the road before, and he stopped me going down it again.

Althought i still suffer from depression, i am not suicidal and the thought of taking my life has not crossed my mind for a long time now. Its a step forward, but im still a long way from the light at the end of the tunnel.

Meanon · 12-06-2007, 08:12 PM

You're welcome GG

. Not having suicidal thoughts is a huge step forward. The NHS recommends CBT for depression and I've found it to be remarkably successful. You could ask your GP to refer you, but there are long waiting lists in some parts of the country. In a few years it will be more freely available. The mild/moderately depressed will use self help facilities first and moderate/severe will see therapists.

This is a free website that has self help CBT modules: Living Life To The Full
As there is no personal support, they are promoted as life skills, not treatment, but similar packages have been found to be quite effective a good proportion of people with mild/moderate problems.

Depression brings with it a rigidity of thought and behaviour. Yours has already changed a lot so the loosening up may mean you are able to continue this using self help. Or it could be that your beliefs about self are still too fixed to be shifted without someone else helping and providing many more ways of challenging them. Worth a try, I hope.

There's a section on books/resouces. The guy who runs the website promotes his own books and they are OK, I guess if you like the website you may want to try ones that are compatible. I prefer Mind over Mood which is in the first row. Overcoming Low Self Esteem is also very good (Melanie Fennell) - again not everyone finds it helpful but quite a lot do.

I know what you mean about it being hard to stay focused on the positive. When you're down and need it most, the good stuff either isn't noticed or has little effect, whereas the bad stuff is always noticed and has big effect. That's part of what depression is.