Role Reversal

Fayebelle · 09-02-2008, 02:43 PM

I wasn't sure what to title this but at least I found an appropriate forum

Earlier this year my mother was diagnosed with MS. I now find myself in the part time position of care giver for my parent. This is a bend in the circle of life that most people face at some point and I figured this would be a good place to open discussion on how it effects both sides.

For me- I consider it a privilege to be able to help someone who has always loved me unconditionally.

For her- It seems to be a bit of an embarrassment and another frustration along with the list of other frustrations she has associated with her disease. She has concerns that I will give up too much caring for her. (SILLY MARMEE)

She worries that I feel too tied to her to be social and she wants to be more independent for fear I will "get married and move away" and she won't know how to handle things on her own.

MHO- if any man things he's gonna marry me and sweep me away from my sick mother- well he's just not marriage material.

It's hard to explain these things to someone who has "always known best" though

I'm sure I'll be updating as things go along but for now we have our routine.
Usually things are pretty close to what they were before she became ill but she has some bad days that make it necessary to consider the future in a realistic mind frame- hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

I know many people- especially in America it seems- feel that their parents can take care of themselves, that it is a burden when they have to take care of them, or find a place to "put them" when they become too ill to care for themselves.

I just can't fathom that mindset.

Has anyone else ever been on either side of this situation?

Vautrin · 09-02-2008, 06:34 PM

Luckily I have not been in that situation, but my parents are only in their early 50s. I saw them go through that with both my grandmothers.

Thankfully our families live closeby, so that both of my grandparents were literally 6 minutes drives' away from at least 2 of their children. Which really helps a lot.

They kept living at home as long as was viable (both their husbands were deceased). But at one point, minor steps could not be ascended, all kinds of balance issues existed, frailty, forgetfulness (which resulted in skipping meals, forgetting to feed the cat), etc.. If you have been in the Netherlands you know that houses are totally not fit for three generations of the same family living there at once.

My mom's mother ended up in a house for the elderly. Which organised many activities for the inhabitants, service and extra care. That did not stop family from coming to visit her, and to include her in family celebrations.

9 weeks after she turned 80 (which was the last true family gathering on my mom's side of the family), she died of cancer. She had willingly chosen not to opt for treatment as that would only result into more suffering.

My father's mom also ended up in a house for the elderly. Again, many activities are organised for the inhabitants. And it did not stop family from coming to visit her.

Sadly, she has been diagnosed with Alzheimer about a year ago. And her memory is rapidly deteriorating, to the point that she does not even know who the mother of two of her greatgrandchildren is. It also leads to "unreasonable behavior" and accusations, simply because she forgets that something has been taken care of. Which is very sad.

She still lives, and has the occasional moment in which she actually seems quite well aware of who is who, and what is going on. Both my grandfathers died when they were in reasonable health.

Quote:

MHO- if any man things he's gonna marry me and sweep me away from my sick mother- well he's just not marriage material.

I agree. But my family and my inlaws-to-be live on three different continents, so it would be a bit tricky to cater to that.

Hopefully it is only a temporary setback for your mom, but there are no guarantees with MS

Have you looked into therapies and other ways of limiting the medical effects of MS?

patrick · 09-02-2008, 06:34 PM

Sigh, my current situation with my parents sort of fits this. Dad is 82 and not doing well at all. Mom is 78 and isn't much better. If I work up the courage I'll post about this. It is a pretty unhappy time, though, I will say that. Your mother seems to be handling this better than my parents are, and quite frankly you seem to be doing a better job than I am.

The one thing I'm petrified of: when the day comes that they can't drive. B/c I'm going to have to be the bad guy. (My sister is down in Philadelphia, and with three daughters under the age of eight and a husband finishing up a P.hd, meaning she's the main breadwinner...she is unfortunately out of the picture for now. Too bad b/c she learned to stand up to them, something I never have. And at 44 suspect I never shall.)

Scott · 09-02-2008, 06:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by patrick

Sigh, my current situation with my parents sort of fits this. Dad is 82 and not doing well at all. Mom is 78 and isn't much better. If I work up the courage I'll post about this. It is a pretty unhappy time, though, I will say that. Your mother seems to be handling this better than my parents are, and quite frankly you seem to be doing a better job than I am.

The one thing I'm petrified of: when the day comes that they can't drive. B/c I'm going to have to be the bad guy. (My sister is down in Philadelphia, and with three daughters under the age of eight and a husband finishing up a P.hd, meaning she's the main breadwinner...she is unfortunately out of the picture for now. Too bad b/c she learned to stand up to them, something I never have. And at 44 suspect I never shall.)

Interesting.....I basically play the rebellious role of your sister in my family, and hope that my brother, who has no kids, and his wife, who is a nurse, will attend to all the geriatric details of my parents 70 and 68. They live within a couple of hours of my parents, while I'm a good 15 hours drive away.

Nonetheless, I'm infrequently aware that one day I'll probably get a phone call out-of-the-blue, letting me know when and where a funeral will be held.

Fayebelle · 09-02-2008, 08:00 PM

My mom is not old at all. She's only 48.

Right now she just has days of fatigue, small memory issues, and occasional numbness.

She has medication for the fatigue, anti depression, and shots that are given every other day to help prevent further lesions on her brain.

I mostly help with her tired days, remember things she may have overlooked, make sure she takes her meds, and administer the shots that are in locations she can't reach (back of the arms and buttocks) and drive when she has certain tests done (like a spinal tap)

Don't get me wrong- I have limits and God forbid the day come when her care is beyond my ability I would look into finding a better place for her to go. Right now though- I don't think this is much to ask. The reactions of others though surprise me- like I should feel I'm doing some sort of chore.

I think my generation is pretty snarky for this. Some of them think visiting their parents for dinner is a pain in the bottom- unless they need something.

Vautrin · 09-02-2008, 08:34 PM

There seems to be some evidence that a bit of exercise may reduce fatigue. And that medical marihuana might alleviate some pain symptoms.

But other than that, there is not much more you can do.

Quote:

[they think] like I should feel I'm doing some sort of chore.

Perhaps that is because you unlike them have a good relationship with your mother?

My parents have an extremely happy marriage. My gf was shocked to say the least. There is only 1 fight I can remember, and that lasted about 3 minutes.

I am not the nursing type at all, but I would not mind helping my parents in such a situation at all, even though I am not the househusband type. Whether it is shopping, fixing minor things, cooking, doing the laundry or even cleaning.