My friends

twinkle · 04-15-2005, 05:47 AM

IT's been getting to me for a long time. I am unable to make friends - one of the reasons I'm jealous at DA for. Getting a bf has NEVER been a problem, but friends... I tell ya.

I mean, I think it takes only a certain type of people can be my friend. I'm awful at makking friends at school, for instance. Ok, here I'm talking about Frenchmen, but still. I'm sick and tired of the old explinantion: "you're too mature for them". I lack patience. In fact, I don't think they're all that interesting at all to tell you the truth. More than half of them are going home and not remained with a single idea after the classes.

Inside, I think I'm a dork. I adore, I mean really ADORE the world of ideas. I take school far too seriously - not homework, but I have respect for it. My collegues live for the classes to end. I think you might have seen the huge difference between us.

Deep down, I don't envy them, because their lives are shallow, I think. But then I think I'm wrong. It's impossible for everyone to have nothing. And my... imposing myself so much drives the others away. I have too much personality and I tend to stress the others too much.

I have made 1 friend at this Master. ONE single friend, Fanny. I know that there were others who didn't get to even do that. I would eat with her and with her other friend. In the US, there was this guy hitting at her, so he and his other male friend would join the group (we would form this group of 5 people). But I know I was there because of Fanny.

When we were going out in the US, it was ... strange. All of a sudden, some other guys started paying some attention to me - you know the rest.

It's like DA's problem, only reversed. I lack patience with those around me. I reason too much. I cannot just keep my mouth shut, when the girls spend 1 or 2 hours in their room, doing God knows what and we only have one day to visit Washington.

I think I should just take salsa classes and start my social life from there.

There some good parts of it, though. I have spent a lot of time talking to Fanny - she's from the Carraibe Islands and I'm between the only people she invited at her home. I mean I know that I can touch people deep, if I get the chance. I just... think I stress everyone. Annoying.

The oposite of Mrs. Popularity. And that's happening only (or to a MUCH bigger scale) in France. I know I can't just keep on switching countries, but it is hard to have no social life (French people stick to the friends they've made in their childhood or highschool, so it takes a certain type of people to get accepted in a new group. All of them live with their parents and have never changed the city where they live).

I liked it when I was an Erasmus. I would be with the foreigners, we barely knew our first names, but we would go out and party. The downside was that most guys were trying to get you drunk and then sleep with you. I have kept one or two contacts with that group, but the school kept me from partying too much this year. Maybe I'll give them a call.

Meanon, how are English people again?

Sorry for my rambling, I just needed to vent.

Duke · 04-15-2005, 05:58 AM

I'm your friend and always will be.

twinkle · 04-15-2005, 06:08 AM

hihihi, you don't know me in real life situations. I feel like taking a break from me at times, LOL !

But thanks, I'll be there for you too, DUKE!

Duke · 04-15-2005, 06:57 AM

This isn't real life? I admit that we phsically have never met but I know more about you than some of your real life friends do. Does that not make me a friend?

twinkle · 04-15-2005, 07:11 AM

You sure are my friend and you definately know a lot about me than a lot of my real friends back home. I just think that in real life, there may be things that may get you tired as far as I'm concerned. I'm being realistical here. I could just say:"you'd love me as a friend in real life"

Internet has the gift of sending the message as it really is. No body language, no tone of voice... these inferr the comunication. Sometimes they make it easier, other times they don't. I communicate a LOT with my body - I'm very Italian from this point of view. IT's what gets me in trouble most of the times :roll: .

Star · 04-15-2005, 07:28 AM

I never had the problem of not making friends but I did have somewhat of a problem making friends that were girls. With girls, I always got competition which was a turn off for me. friends shouldn't be competing. I always had more guy friends then i did girlfriends. I did however made some life long girlfriends that I still keep in touch with. Guy friends are no longer since i'm married now. gerry wouldn't like that too much just like i wouldn't like him hanging out with girls. :wink:

It's not the quantity of friends that count twinkle, it's the quality. You know that in a lifetime, you really only have a total of 5 friends that are REALLY and truly friends? True friends are there for you through thick and thin and stay with you forever. Aquaintances don't. I've had a LOT of those!

I was always the type to get along with anyone. I had friends that raged from the geeks to the cool. I mostly hung out with the cool crowd though. My best friend and i have been friends since the 3rd grade! we stopped talking for 10 years, didn;t hang out too much when we were in high school and we're still close.

It is very hard to make good girlfriends. I understand where you're coming from. but if you have your 1 friend fanny, then you're rich. There isn't anything wrong with having just aquaintences twinkle. those are the ones that you can go out and party with. I had plenty of those when I was in my early 20's!

besides, you have friends here. I know that we're not your real life friends but we are your friends nevertheless. We're here to talk to, shoulders to cry on, share in your joy. In the end, that's a friend is right? :wink:

Duke · 04-15-2005, 07:59 AM

I see things a different way. Yes this is a webforum but that doesn't mean it's not real life, to me anyway. I can honestly say that some of the people I've met online over the years are actually closer to me in my heart than most, if not all, of my physical circle of friends.

Vautrin · 04-15-2005, 09:24 AM

The problem with chat-friends is of course they are most often not near in a geographic sense. Friendships can develop online, but you can't take someone to the movies, or to an art exhibit online.
Because they are less real (what is the chance I would run into Duke or Stone for instance?), it is also easier to share more of what goes on in our lifes.

Making friends is not hard for me, but most often I have little desire to do so. I have few true friends and many normal friends, with all sorts of backgrounds.

I normally would not even bother on university, especially when I attended classes for Psychology. Most of the students had little to offer conversationwise, and were more interested in living the student-life (going out, partying et cetera), than being a true student.

Yes, maybe I was too mature for them, since I was 18 years old. Maybe my goals in life differ a fair bit from their goals. I don't want to try their life-style, and they really would not want to try mine.
That is not something that comes and goes, but is deeprooted in me. There is not a force in the world which could make things otherwise.

Maybe the same is true for you twinkle. As was mentioned earlier in the thread, the quality of the friends counts for at least as much as the number of friends.

As for finding people who understand you almost completely, they are extremely hard to find; it depends mostly on your personality and character - the complexer you are, the harder it is.

twinkle · 04-15-2005, 09:34 AM

Ok, let me rephrase it: I want to be popular, Goddamit, LOL!

But I cannot have the stupid conversation for the life of me. My being a foreigner plays a BIG role. Back home I have lots of friends.

IT's just... so hard at times to be alone all the time. I feel that I lose the reference point. I get tired much more easily...

I guess I should count my blessings with the friends I have, real or over the internet.

Duke, I think you've misinterpreted what I was saying. OF course I have friends over the net that are much much closer to me than people I hang out with in the real life.

What I was trying to say is that maybe, in the real life, you'd like me less than on the internet. I'm aware of that. I don't get to open up and I think at times I seem.. condescenting. I am very ambitious, and that makes people at times uncomfortable.

Vautrin · 04-15-2005, 09:55 AM

But popularity is not what is most important twinkle. If you are not popular you can be alone at times. But the worst curse is to be alone in the crowd. You are one woman who would suffer from that quite regularly, at least that is the impression I have of you

I'd rather be alone by myself, than alone in a crowd. Yes, it is hard to be alone. In dutch there exists an expression "Eenzaam maar niet alleen", which loosely translates as "lonely but not alone." It most often applies to people who are geniuses in one way or the other, in their respective fields.

People are different in real life than on the internet. One thing that plays a role is that you simply don't see the person. People can get intimidated by looks.
People who meet me IRL, would instantaneously see what kind of person I am, just by looking at me, when I take a walk to the station for instance.

darkangelism · 04-15-2005, 12:03 PM

ok, i might be able to help you a little with this, as you are right about it being the opposite of me, i can do the friends thing real well, always fit in with any group. Seems kinda strange that i can do that but not get a gf, but i am wandering from the topic at hand.

First and foremost you only need one or two really good friends, the rest of the people you know can just be a casual friend, somebody to sit and eat with or you talk to when nobody else is around.

i do understand that you seperate online friends from real friends, i do the same thing, i mean you all are great, but you cant just hang out or anything(though the chat might change this)

what about people makes it hard to talk to them? Can you approach them and just not like them or can you just not approach them?

Your interest in learning is not what is going to keep you from making friends, you just need to find friends with similar interests, maybe people in your classes.

If you are like your online personality, then you should have no problem, you are likable. Just start a random conversation with somebody, remember their name and say hi when you see them.

The other way to make connections is to have a common interest, i am interested in, or learned about lots of different things, im somewhat well read(not to your or vaturin's level) i watch lots of TV, movies, music, sports, business, computers...so whoever im with i have some common interest. I can go and talk about nearly any sport except maybe cricket. Then i can see somebody else i know and have a conversation about the newest computer toy.

So in short, you have to go out and meet people, talk to people about whatever, and try and find something in common. Also once you make a friend, make friends with their friends and then you get this chain reaction of people that you know, so then when you are walking around your school you know a lot of the people.

Some of it may be french culture though. I know you want to study marketing and i really think you should consider coming to the US, new york more specifically cause its a great place to learn business and many cultures are here, and study marketing. Dream Big, maybe you should visit here and see how you like it, i can show you around, personally i have never met anybody who did not like being here after they spent some time here.

Meanon · 04-17-2005, 05:33 PM

Quote:

Meanon, how are English people again?

Difficult to generalise, twinkle, but they tend to be quite reserved at first then very friendly. They have a love of eccentrics. London is very different to other English cities, much less friendly. You must visit sometime.

I can vaguely remember what it's like to be a foreigner living alone in a country where you know almost no-one well. I was very lucky, I made what was to become a life long friend the day I started school here. She was very popular and eased the way for me socially with others until I stopped being such an oddity and grasped the basics of the culture. It helps to live in a cosmopolitan environment. I turned down a place in a world class private school (where I would have had nothing at all in common with the girls) to study in the heart of the city.

For you education is your top priority, rightly so. Some of your difficulties may arise from your life choices which accentuate the difference from your peers. The young so often form their emerging identities by aligning themselves with those similar to themselves. When you are older your difference will be valued more and more, twinkle.

Meanwhile, don't try to fit in. Pursue people who interest you, don't waste your time on those you find boring. Look for interesting people. Having had the time of my life for three years in Manchester, I went to Med school and it was like stepping off the plane all over again. I was miserable for a term. I tried to transfer, couldn't and decided there had to be people in my uni I had more in common with. I found them eventually, in neighbouring halls. The hall I was in was very weird and they selected kids of a certain background. I'd slipped through the net as a medic.

Making friends is not difficult if you meet people who interest you. There's nothing wrong with the people you are mixing with, twinkle, they just aren't your types.

Your post talks about how you come across at first, I'm sure that you also do invest time, when someone catches your interest, in finding out about them. It works both ways, people will want to be your friend if they feel you are interested in them. Your interest in others comes across well on the net. It may be worth thinking about whether it does IRL too. But it can't be faked, you have to want to get to know them in the first place. They have to be worth the effort. If they're not, that's fine. Go for quality, not quantity.

darkangelism · 04-17-2005, 05:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Meanon

Go for quality, not quantity.

Very true

Merika · 04-18-2005, 09:07 AM

I consider my online female friends as my best female friends. In real life, I only have male friends. Then again, if I want to go to do a girly thing like go to a movie, shop, hang out or go out to eat....I always have my daughter to go with. I could see where that would be something you feel is missing in your life....especially since you grew up with a sister who was close in age.

I don't know how I would tell you to 'fix it'. I'd probably hang out at the local pub until I met someone. Even then, like you, I'd probably only end up hanging out with the guys. (I KNOW...then they just want to date you... which becomes a major pain!!)

Sooner or later, you'll run into someone who enjoys doing what you want to do and you can form a friendship bond. Until then....you are stuck with us....BWAHHAHAHA!