My family

Paul · 07-12-2005, 06:16 AM

I don't like my family. Besides being being related we have nothing in common and I honestly don't feel anything for either of my parents or most of my relatives for that matter.

After having spent a childhood and my teen years trying to please them, I've grown up to see how they demanded so much from me, almost to the point of perfection, and yet their lives are in shambles. Since they split up and subsequently divorced, I've lost a lot of respect for them and I don't call them, ever. They occasionally call me and I hand it off to my brother or make an excuse, I have a hard time facing them, it's really sad.

My brother and I get along now but that was previously born out of necessity. He was my only friend at times when I was younger and he's a good friend now, we've shared a lot of experiences and we both have the same resentments and hurt towards our parents.

The thing is they love us very much, I know this but I don't return it, it's really strange. I wish I did love them like I should but I don't feel anything. I think it'll change as I get older but sometimes I wonder if it won't be to late.

My relationship with my dad really reminds me of that song by Ugly Kid Joe:

The cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon,
Little boy blue and the man 'n the moon.
"When you comin' home?"
"Son, I don't know when. We'll get together then.
You know we'll have a good time then."

Which turns into:

I've long since retired, my son's moved away.
I called him up just the other day.
"I'd like to see you, if you don't mind."
He said, "I'd love to, Dad, if I could find the time.
You see my new job's a hassle and the kids have the flu,
But it's sure nice talkin' to you, Dad.
It's been sure nice talkin' to you."
And as I hung up the phone it occurred to me,
He'd grown up just like me.
My boy was just like me.

Stone · 07-12-2005, 06:49 AM

that song breaks my heart, it also reminds me of My son and his father.

Star · 07-12-2005, 08:17 AM

that song is a very sad song but a good one too.

Paul, you haven't forgiven your parents for whatever they did that needs to be forgiven. have they apologized for anything that made you feel this way about them at all?

Paul · 07-12-2005, 10:16 AM

My dad's to tied up in what happened with my mom, how the seperation affected him and how wrong she is. My mom doesn't know what's going on, she's the one who left and is more mixed up then anyone. They were never stable people to begin with, there was physical abuse in my family which they have apologized for but that doesn't make the hurt go away.

I know I love them, I just don't feel anything and I think I'm mad that they split up. What really pissed me off was when they'd call me and tell me what the other said or was doing, during that period I wouldn't talk to either one for the longest time and I think that continues a bit because of that. They need to work out thier own problems and quit trying to drag me into it.

I moved away from home about 4 years ago and it's the best thing I ever did, so much stress left my life once I was on my own. I enjoy being able to do things on my schedule and just live life one day at a time without the stresses of family obligations and responsibilities. When I was younger I spent a lot of time with my mom, was sheltered in a lot of ways and it had some negative affects on my social skills all the way through my teens. It really wasn't until I left home and stopped trying to be the perfect person living the perfect life that I started to just live and enjoy being me.

I guess these things happen and I'll learn more and appreciate them as they and I grow older, but at this moment I'm just glad to be away from them. It seems like I'm being such a jackass towards them but I guess as much as I thought I was, I'm really not over the past in some ways. It's not that I haven't forgiven, I guess I just haven't forgotten and don't want to be hurt again.

Duke · 07-12-2005, 01:02 PM

Wow, I'm sorry to hear that Paul. If it makes you feel better, no one really likes their family (or very few people). There's usually a few people that stand out in your family that you care deeply for but the rest can up and fall off the face of the earth, at least that's how it is with me.

It'll be interesting to see how our children treat us when they reach adulthood. Parenting style has really changed from that of 20 or more years ago. The level of caring is still there, it's just the physical aspect of it has toned way down and disappeared in many instances while the obvious signs of affection and comfort words has increased.

Merika · 07-12-2005, 01:56 PM

I've had many friends thru the years who weren't particularly fond of their parents...for any number of reasons. It must be leave a great big empty place in your heart.

Some things you can't correct or change....but you know yourself it's always best to forgive (if only for your own sake) and then love them in faith....even if you don't feel it. In the end....it'll free you up to live a life without regrets or wondering 'what if'.

Not all people are great parents....some aren't even good.....but I do think in their own wierd way that they try. At least forgive them and honor them for the effort.

Duke · 07-12-2005, 02:10 PM

Assuming there was any effort. How do you forgive, forget and honor those who did little to nothing in the way of parenting?

Star · 07-12-2005, 05:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Merika

Not all people are great parents....some aren't even good.....but I do think in their own wierd way that they try. At least forgive them and honor them for the effort.

I believe that there are no bad parents out there. the parents that are labelled bad don't know at that time that their parenting is harmful. they're doing the best they can with the tools they were taught to use in the first place. It's a vicious circle.

When I came to this realization, I was able to forgive my mother and put it all behind me. I'm happy I did because now I have a relationship with her. something I never had as a child up to the age of around 33 when I decided to forgive her.

Forgiveness clears your heart of all the hurt that dwells in it. When a person feels ready to forgive is when you can forgive. It comes from your heart.

Paul · 07-12-2005, 05:38 PM

Thanks guys, I totally see what you're saying Star and I agree with this. My mom has guilt for the way things went, I know she's sorry and wishes she'd been a good parent, she's said as much. It's just hard to talk to her but I think I'm going to call her tonight because she asked me to last week and I forgot and didn't really want to.

I feel like a bad child and I know that I'll probably experience something similar one day but I'll do my best to be a good parent and avoid the mistakes my parents made. You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone.

It reminds me of what I was saying to my gf a couple days ago, I told I knew how she was feeling, of course she said I didn't, I told her she'd hear that from her kids one day and the fact is we're not all that different. People think they're unique in what they experience but the fact is most people go through at least some level of similar circumstances and can relate in someway. I just want to avoid having my kids think I don't understand because more then they might realize, I certainly will understand.

Anyway I'm getting off-topic here but I think I need to do some healing and burying of the past with them.

Star · 07-12-2005, 05:48 PM

Truth is Paul, there are no perfect parents out there. no parent can be a parent without making mistakes along the way. We learn to be parents while we parent. We do the best that we can. that's all anyone can do really.

It sounds like your mother is extremely remorsefull for whatever it was that hurt her children. She's admitting that she did some things wrong and that's a very huge step for her. Calling her would be a very good idea.

One day you will be able to put it all behind you and everything will be and feel different. :wink:

Duke · 07-12-2005, 07:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Paul

I feel like a bad child and I know that I'll probably experience something similar one day but I'll do my best to be a good parent and avoid the mistakes my parents made. You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone.

Don't allow this thought to live, kill it and kill it fast. It was the basis of my confusion throughout my 20's and the root of many of the evils and contradicions I had during that period. You do not owe anyone anything, regardless of relation. Respect isn't something that people deserve, they have to earn it.

I parent my kid in a way that I want to be parented, nothing more, nothing less. She responds extremely well and if she were to hate me later in life then I will at least have the satisfaction of knowing I did my absolute best.

Star · 07-12-2005, 08:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Duke

Respect isn't something that people deserve, they have to earn it.

I believe this also and I did told my mother that exact thing in my mid 30's. Respect is a mutual thing and must be earned by both parties involved. As small children, we respect our parents because we're taught to respect our elders but when we become adults, respect is earned, especially if we had a crappy childhood.