Mom

hezekiah · 01-20-2006, 12:32 AM

I'm a person deeply committed to my faith-as such I regretted the way I treated my mother in my youth and I really have tried to heal those wounds-but she really wasnt very kind to me either and now that she's older and more receptive to me it's difficult to be gracious-though I believe she deserves it...
I feel guilty that it's hard for me to be warm,she's been so mean and cold her whole life- she's a person who had a very tough childhood-it's utterly a shortcoming on my part...

Duke · 01-20-2006, 01:51 AM

NO IT ISN'T!!!

I have very close, if not duplicate issues with my father. I won't say he was mean or abusive but he was drunken, distant and uninvolved with his children and that's enough.

If you were treated poorly, what would possess you to treat that person with kindness? I know it's a great theory to try and rise above it all but that is entirely unrealistic, especially when one of the players is a direct authority figure. If I were you I would stop blaming yourself for the events around childhood, they are unchangeable and a very important part of what makes you who you are today. All you can do is learn from the past and try to move forward.

I applaud you for sharing this issue with us and hope my response doesn't come across the wrong way. I guess in my own way, I've suffered for mistakes of my past, some of my control but many others that were well beyond, and the best thing I could do for my own piece of mind was try to put it behind me and move forward. Trying to understand and overanalyze it all just added to my ever-increasing bitterness.

twinkle · 01-20-2006, 05:41 AM

My mom is a wonderful person, but she's got way too much personality. I sometimes said to my sister she should have tried a different career - she's a doc - like being a general!

anyway, she put lots of pressure on me and she did act selfishly many times, and like you said, she became softer with years.

The thing is to try and make up with the past and let the anger go. You're holding a grudge against her, maybe you are in tittled to, but it does you no good. I think you should simply enjoy the improved version of your mother, LOL. Soulds mean and selfish, but I believe that not analysing your past is a very good idea.

Every person's responsable for their own actions. If you think that she desirves your being cold with her, and it's easier for you to live like that, fine. But just.... get over it. Whatever happened.

You're your own person, now, you're an adult, you're free, you're the master of your life, so enjoy.

Duke, you have to let all this biterness come out of yourself. It's poisoning you. Take care.

Duke · 01-20-2006, 07:11 AM

Thanks for your concern twinks but I'm actually much better off than I was a few years back. I think what really helped was telling my ma how I felt (thanks Lu) and her graciousness to allow me to express my anger.

It wasn't an easy conversation and one that I've felt bad about how passionate I was in my story telling, but it was an important part of my "purging" process as I guess was the creation of this website.

twinkle · 01-20-2006, 07:53 AM

How did your mother react? What type of advice did she give you?

My dad had an on and off relationship with the bottle when I was a kid, he and mom had horrible fights I remember quite well. I had a lot to struggle against it when I had my first relationship.

Anyway, I tried talking to mom, but it was impossible, she said dad was not the worse of men and that it wasn't that bad - denial, if you ask me. Tried talking to my sister, but she is 3 years younger, she doesn't remember. I do - she was very little, 4, maybe 5, she was crying her heart out, screaming, putting her blanket on her had screaming she wanted everything to stop - the fight that was going on in the other room, I mean.

Oh well, lucky her for not remembering.

Duke · 01-20-2006, 10:08 AM

My mom gave me no advice because at no point in my rant was I looking for help, opinion or "another side of the story". I was only looking for some understanding and an ear. Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone is just stfu and listen.

Merika · 01-20-2006, 10:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hezekiah

I feel guilty that it's hard for me to be warm,she's been so mean and cold her whole life- she's a person who had a very tough childhood-it's utterly a shortcoming on my part...

I wouldn't consider it a shortcoming...but since you are now an adult and she is an older lady....what's the point in continuing the cycle? If you don't forgive her and she dies....then you may very well regret it later. If you do forgive her and and dies....then you did the very best you could with a bad situation.

As a kid and teen...you probably weren't aware of whatever she was going thru emotionally or financially. At one time or another.....ALL parents screw up in some capacity. It's never a sign that your parent doesn't love you with all that's within them....sometimes life just gets hard and they react in what seems like an irrational way in a kid's mind.

To be honest....any parent who tries to raise their kids in a perfect 'Leave It To Beaver' atmosphere....isn't doing their kids a favor. Life is difficult, sometimes it sucks, sometimes money is short, sometimes parents are angry and fight, sometimes your parents let you down and MANY times they will make mistakes they regret later.

The best thing is to be an adult and love them for trying. Parents a generation or so ago...didn't have the internet or talk shows on TV or lots of books telling the 'psychology' of being a parent. They just did the best they could with what they had.

I say this as a mom of teens, as well as a mom of an adult. I can truly say I screwed up plenty...but I always loved them more than they could imagine. I hope at the end of the day.....they remember that one thing.

I'm sure all other parents feel the same way.

hezekiah · 01-21-2006, 12:21 AM

I look for the right way to do things with people-she doesnt want to discuss anything-she doesnt want to take responsibility-I dont really want this from her-she's a person who frankly never liked me very much and who's being ignored by my brother and sister...if there were som\ething sincere here it'd be different suppose...

Star · 01-21-2006, 08:20 AM

hezekiah,

sounds like the relationship i had with my mother growing up and going well into my 30's. she wasn't the best mom i the world to me so of course, i rebelled and never showed her any respect since she never showed me any.

this went on for years and years and a few years ago, while i was sitting on her couch with my girls cuddling with them and watching tv, she got all teary eyed. she apologized to me for not being a good mom and told me that i was a very good mom to my girls and she wished that our mother/daughter relationship was that way.

It wasn't until i heard her apology that i let all the anger and hostility go. i forgave her right there and then and was able to finally move forward. I then apologized to her for being such a rotten teenage daughter.

I think the apology has to go both ways and i also think that the parent needs to be the one who says it first. Respect has to be earned, not automatically expected; even from a child, especially a grown child.

hezekiah · 01-21-2006, 08:29 PM

I apologized to her,a number of times-I didnt do it so I'd get one in return-I really did see how asinine I was,she hasn't forgiven me-I suppose that's really the problem-the mistakes a parent makes-especially raising a child with an emotionally unsupportive husband-I can forgive that,Dad was a jerk and she still adores him,he's dead and buried,he was an alcoholic and a scientist...
I see my young female coworkers and their struggles,I know it isnt easy.I know she doesnt HAVE to forgive me I mean what can I say?
It still pisses me off...

Merika · 01-22-2006, 02:52 PM

You can't make anyone forgive you. You can only ease your heart by forgiving them. If they chose to carry anger and bitterness around...so be it. It doesn't mean you can't forgive them....even if you have to do it in faith.