I was thinking today

Duke · 02-18-2005, 10:41 PM

on the way home that the only family member that I have that I really care about is my daughter. We all know how I feel about my father, well I'm not so wild about my brother and I actually hold some resentment toward my mother for staying with her substance abusing husband (my dad).

I'm starting to think I'm the worlds biggest jerk.

darkangelism · 02-18-2005, 11:27 PM

no way man, you just havnt had the easiest family situation.

Stone · 02-19-2005, 07:13 AM

Don't feel bad, I dont give a rats arse about my brother either :?

twinkle · 02-19-2005, 07:36 AM

After a 4 and 1/2 hour talk with a friend of mine, I've realised I am not such an amazing person myself... like I have a hell lot of EGO and I expected that everyone were like myself.

Did I say I had a huge problem forgiving too?

Duke, as long as you understand what's the root of it, the root of your pahving prob with your fzmily, your fine. Bcause then you can accept them.

If you think you're a jerk, it means you're feeling guilty. Accepting that people won't change for you or for anyone else becase it's just who they are may give you peace of mind.

YOur mom's choice is nothing but her own. She loves him. And that is much more admirable.... although you (her kids) had to pay the price.

My dad had a huge drinking prob and one time it got really really out of hands. He was also cheating her... yet she stayed. I love her dearly and in the end, it's her who's stading him now. Of course, he changed over the years. I know my mom always put us first and gave us the best of what she could afford.

Forgive, Duke, Forgive and Forget. It's not doing you ANY good to be remembering that time. No good at all. You're only hurting yourself and damaging the relationship you try to build with your folks.

I get what you're going through...

Take time and try to gain some inner peace

.

Star · 02-19-2005, 08:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Duke

on the way home that the only family member that I have that I really care about is my daughter. We all know how I feel about my father, well I'm not so wild about my brother and I actually hold some resentment toward my mother for staying with her substance abusing husband (my dad).

I'm starting to think I'm the worlds biggest jerk.

Maybe you're almost ready to put all that behind you, in the past where it belongs. It is the best place for it so that you can move forward. Forgiveness can heal a lot of things.

I used to ask myself why my mother stayed with my dad then asked why my dad stayed with my mom. I realized that it wasn't any of my business as to why because it wasn't my relationship. It was theirs. There had to have been love there if they stayed together. It was a huge hurdle they had to jump and they did it. They succeeded. That's a huge accomplishment as far as i'm concerned. I'm very proud of both of my parents for pulling through their troubled times together. I can't say that I would've been strong enough to do the same if it were my marriage.

In al-alon, you either learn to live with the alcoholic or live without. Either way the person chooses, they teach you how to do that in a healthy way. I don't regret going to al-ateen and al-anon. It brought a lot of issues into perspective for me and i was able to forgive my dad for his drinking. It helped my mother to learn to live with him, to accept him and the things that she cannot change. One day at a time.

You're a guy who still holds a lot of pain from your childhood. That doesn't qualify as being a jerk. That just means that you have unresolved issues, that you will at some point in your life, will have to deal with and put them where they belong.

Merika · 02-19-2005, 11:59 AM

I don't think disliking the company of your family means your a jerk Duke. Some people just aren't particularly fond of their families or individuals who are a part of their family.... due to any number of reasons.

My Dad and brother are the cheapest stingiest people I've ever met. I think just about anyone who knows them....would totally agree. However, I love them because loving your family is like loving your children....it doesn't come with 'qualifications'. I don't love them because of....I love them in spite of.
AND....I can only hope they love me with the same frame of thought I love them by.

Then again, I was never abused, neglected or lived with an alcoholic. I'm sure that comes with it's own challenge of trying to find love for them in the midst of it all.

Usually though....carrying bitterness is much more damaging to the person with the load of hurt in their heart....than the person(s) who caused it. Staying angry only hurts you. Maybe you've gotten to a place in your life when you are ready to let it go because the love you share with your daughter has taught you many things and filled in the open gaps in your heart.

Duke · 02-19-2005, 05:53 PM

I'm not sure I carry any bitterness toward any of them except dad. He really is the eye of my storm and I guess I'm at the anger stage of my realization of who he is and what he stands for. It took me a long time just to recognize the fact of what he is (very late 20's) so maybe I'm on the path to coming to terms with it.

I do feel it's leading me in one direction though and that's not having any contact with him whatsoever. I'm not sure if that's the end of the road but it's certainly being paved in that direction.

Merika · 02-21-2005, 07:58 AM

I guess you would have to ask yourself how you would feel if he died and you had not seen him for many years. If it's of no loss to you....then go on without guilt. And with some people....there really isn't any loss when they die as compared to the pain and suffering they caused the other people around them.

Duke · 02-21-2005, 06:21 PM

Sadly I have considered this and don't believe I would miss him much, if at all. We barely talk more than once a year now and that's more than enough. I can't believe how horrible what I'm saying sounds to me.

Merika · 02-21-2005, 08:51 PM

If you have personal reasons for feeling that way....it doesn't sound horrible at all.

Duke · 02-21-2005, 10:25 PM

I think I'm just coming to terms with it and trying to not feel guilty about being honest with myself.

Merika · 02-22-2005, 09:50 AM

Has your daughter ever met him and if so....what is their relationship like?

Duke · 02-22-2005, 08:50 PM

She's met him and doesn't understand him either. I remember one time we were all camping and my daughter was 3, my father lit another cigarette and she layed into him saying that she didn't mind personally if he chose to smoke because it was his funeral. It was funny to hear a 3 year old girl lecture an adult who's over 50, the whole situation made her the adult and him the child. It was very surreal.

Merika · 02-23-2005, 08:27 AM

But how did he treat her or did you pick up that he loved her?

Adonaicole · 02-23-2005, 10:53 AM

I have 4 brothers and 3 sisters. Growing up we used to fight like cats and dogs. Now that we are grown, we get along great and I love all of them. I would do anything for them and of course they would do anything for me. It is great, whenever I want to take a vacation I just go to visit one of my siblings. My parents made mistakes, but being a parent myself I understand them and forgive them, I know that they were trying to do their best and it wasn't easy raising 8 kids.