GREAT New Cultural Rules

[Merika]

GREAT New Cultural Rules

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a
reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. It's because you don't
particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the
football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless
you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was
found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What
did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If
it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,
blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for
these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards,
you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If
you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care
about your eyebrows: "Do you have two of them"? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole
aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery
taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want
flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your
flavored water.

New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a
redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top
is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it,
his a** will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved
the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
a**hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande
half-soy, half-low fat, iced
vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with
one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge a**hole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my
card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount,
deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the
kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my
Almond Joy. Paper, plastic? I don't have time for that. I've just been
called to do a cleanup on Aisle Nine!

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't
make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your a**, and it
translates to "beef
with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were
praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual, you're just
high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly
sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating,
because watching those
athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next,
competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called
"The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms,
I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy,
old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a
remote so we can see
what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something
was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough
to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
Picking up the stuff
you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's
the white people version of looting.

[Luba]

I love that!

My personal favourite is this one:

NEW RULE: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: "Do you have two of them"? Okay, we're done.

For months now I've been meaning to make an appointment with my favourite Esthetician to get my eyebrows done because it's easier to get the excess ripped off in one shot than have to pluck one by one myself.

Now I'll just wait until they start growing over my eyes and blinding me, THEN I'll go get them done...what a relief!!!

[Merika]

I'ev pulled out so many gray hairs.....until they now stay all nicely plucked and thin all by themselves.