What would YOU do?

[Duke]

BTW, welcome to Lifesupporters.com Star. Sorry I didn't mention it sooner.

[Merika]

Even having strong family core unit does't assure that a kid is going to follow the path you wish they would follow. Some kids are very strong willed or they pick the wrong friends or they just have their own agenda. I used to think this was a reflection on parents....but as I've gotten older and talked with other parents.....I've realized it just depends on the child.

As Star said....a kid can change on you overnight. One day you have control and one day you don't. Puberty and PMS do wicked things to the sweet little girl you once knew. LOL!

I'm not suggesting just because a girl breaks a few rules or even gets pregnant.....that she's a bad girl or doesn't have a great future in store. I'm just stating that it's harder than it looks like it will be to get kids from point A to point B.

My daughter has pulled a few goodies of her own too!

[Duke]

We all have but all I was trying to state is it's not always the child who's completely to blame.

I'm also not suggesting that Star is any way responsible for the way her teen is acting, just giving you an example where it is moms fault.

The other thing that is really tough is turning into a teen. As adults, we've all been there and know it's a confusing time. Puberty is one stage of my own life (next to infancy) that I have virtually no memory of.

[Stone]

I used to be like stars daughter, I started running away at 12-13, now that I am older and look back at all the pain I caused my parents, all the late nights they spent not knowing where I was it breaks my heart. I wish I could apoligise every day for it.

You right it doesn't matter what kind of background you we're rasied in. my parents we're wonderful, I was spoiled rotten got lots of attention ect. and I turned in to an "alien" around that age to, I thought I was an adult and knew everything.

Star, I think after she has the baby she will snap out of it. ( I hope she does) If you ever have any questions about runaways, drugs, teen rebilian feel free to ask me, I and many of my friends foolishly took this path very young. I know most of the Tricks. :wink:

[Duke]

You should have your friends register here as well then ;-)

Thank you for the welcome duke.

We have 2 daughters and my oldest is the one who is troubled. I am happily married and we give our children everything they need and that includes a lot of hugs, kisses and I love you's on a daily basis. We nver beat our kids or abused them in any way, shape or form.

Parents make mistakes along the way. We're not perfect and I certainly don't claim to be in any way. But, my daughter didn't have to take this path in life. All we did was love and nurture her. She met up with the wrong crowd of kids is what happened to her and the fact that today's society is so accepting of everything and the law takes away our power when it comes to parenting (and gives all the power to the child at age 12) doesn't help parents like my husband and i at all. Our hands are tied as is the laws as far as getting her help is concerned. She has to want it and ask for it. Nothing we can do about that at this time.


She hasn't earned 1 credit in high school as of yet. She has only graduated grade 8 so far. I am extremely worried for her future at this point.

It got so bad around here that we had no choice but to sign our rights away for 6 months to CAS just to keep her safe and to keep our other daughter safe as well. My oldest got extremely violent with her and us that we had to do something. So, she doesn't live with us at this time. Do we know where she is right now? no. She has run away from her foster home and now has a warrant for her arrest for breach of probation (she was supposed to, by law, remain in the foster home and school). So, now we don't only have her to worry about, we have this little innocent baby she's carrying as well.

My daughter seems to think that life on the streets is the most glamorous thing on earth. How do you compete with that as a parent when we have a few resonable rules at home to follow and she has none where she is? All we ask of her is to obey curfew, do a few chores around the house on weekends and go to school. But, that's too much for her.

She does call us on a regular basis which is a good thing. We have told her that she has a bedroom here waiting for her if she decides to come home and obey a few rules and live life like a normal teenager should. I hope that she decides to come home soon because quite frankly, i am getting tired of worrying about her safety every minute of every day. It's been 3 years now and I feel it's been long enough.

To the one who said she was like my daughter (I'm sorry, i can't remember your nickname), please do talk to me so I can have some perspective of what my daughter might be thinking with this behaviour. She won't let anyone into her head so we can't figure it out. Perhaps saying a few words to her might change her whole outlook on this life of hers.

When we have children, we play a game of russian roulette. You really don't know how your child will turn out in the end. These troubled teens come from really good structured homes and not so good ones. All we can do is hope that they will grow up to be respectful, productive, educated adults with a bright future. Hope.

[Duke]

I'm sorry for your troubles Star. I cannot offer any advice that will open some secret door to a world that you and your child can co-exist in.

Unfortunately, you're correct when you state raising children is a gamble. You can only do your best and hope for the best, the rest isn't really up to you. I think your daughter is very confused and may have some deep issue affecting her that you aren't aware of. Obviously she feels she can get her answers somewhere else which is at the root of why she hit the road. Maybe the chores and rules have something to do with it but I really doubt they are the whole picture, although I guess it's possible that is the case.

Does your daughter suffer from a phsical problem that you may be unaware of? Is she hiding a deeper problem such as rape, std, or other? I'm sorry to ask such blatantly ignorant questions but I feel your pain and would really try to understand since it's unlikely I can help.

BTW, if you need help registering I can take care of the process for you, that is, if you're interested. You can e-mail me your desired name and password and I'll do the rest for you. My e-mail address is sirapnek@shaw.ca

Sincerely,

ken (aka Duke)
Lifesupporters.com Founder

I have registered already and now waiting for the confirmation e-mail within 24 hours it said.

Thank you for your kind words. There isn't any quick fix answers or any answers at all really. It would be great if there was a quick fix to these problems huh? It has to ride itself out and hope she makes it through alive.

My daughter has no physical problems nor mental. Now whether she has been raped or not goes unanswered. I think that perhaps she was raped at one point and is trying to hide it to "forget" about it. Her behaviour would suggest that and the proffessionals agree but without her being honest or around long enough to have these sessions, we don't know. We can't help her if we don't know anything.

I look forward to her phone calls. We live in seperate cities (1 hour away) now (we just moved back to our home town in Sept) so it's farther in between phone calls from her. I can't call her because I have no idea how to get a hold of her. So I wait. I love to hear her voice because I know she's breathing. It's scary in between phone calls.

Things happen for a reason in life. I'm not a religious person at all but I do believe that God doesn't hand you anything you can't handle. This is a big one and we've handled it and stayed together as a family. One day she'll wake up and realize what she's put us through. I just wish that day would come sooner then later. It's a waiting game at this point.

[Duke]

Well Star I can say that you sound very level headed about the whole thing and I must admit that I admire you for it.

I can only hope that your daughter reaches out to someone and tells of her troubles. Facing your fears and admitting theres a problem are the biggest and most important parts of the healing process. I can only hope that she realizes this soon and comes to her senses.

[Merika]

I agree with you Star....Stoneheather has helped me a lot in understanding my own daughter.....and also to realize that just because a child rebels doesn't mean they don't love their parents.

My daughter goes through phases and a great deal of it depends on who she is hanging around. She had one friend who she got in so much trouble with. They broke curfew, skipped school and the police brought them home more than once. I thanked GOD when the other girl finally moved away.

I was also working a lot of hours which contributed to the free time she had to do what she wanted to without supervision. I too had the state come in and ask why she wasn't in school....and I didn't even know she was skipping! She was stealing the school letters out of the mailbox. I had no idea she was goofing off instead of going to school.

I can only imagine the heartbreak you are going though Star! Like Stoneheather said....your daughter will probably grow up to really regret the heartbreak and panic she put her family in.

I think until someone is a parent themselves...they have no idea how much their parents love them. After she has the baby....regardless if she sticks with the idea of giving it up for adoption or keeping it....it's very possible the whole thing will change her heart and she'll mature in a new way.

Is she getting proper medical care through a clinic or something?

I don't think she is getting the proper medical care at this time because she's out there somewhere as I write this. This worries me a great deal. I hope this baby is born healthy and she does grow up in some way to the possitive side after this baby is born.
Keeping my fingers crossed!!

[Stone]

Star, does she have a Drug abuse problem? Do you know who the father of this child is? Is she still contacting her friends? Have you went to faimly therapy? does she still contact her sister?

I was in her shoes ( but not preagant) I was in several runaway homes, I unfortunatly beat up my mother at the age of 15 and got charged with domestic violence... Why did I do it.... I don't know I wanted to go and she wouldn't let me.... I regret it everyday, and I am sure if she became violent with you or your faimly it wasn't a PEROSNAL attack on them, it was simply her not thinking strait. I am consirned about drug/ alchol abuse, it sounds like she is on a rollercoaster, and when she is comming down she calls home ( I could be wrong)

There really is little you can do, my parents NEVER gave up on me ( and I wouln't blame them if they did) They always let me know I was loved, after awhile they stopped asking me questions and lectureing me about things, and just said "I love you and I drive myself crazy thinking about you everynight, You are always welcome in our home if you need anything we will help you, but there are rules that you need to follow"
NEVER give her money or ACESS to your home when you are not there.... I used to sneak in my parents house and eat, sleep and leave before they got home from work.

Unfortunatly you have to wait untill she crashes and has no choice but to change, I was in mental institutions... Psychs couldn't find anything wrong with me. Childrens homes... I ran like hell. One day I woke up and said if I die tomarrow I can't let my parents think this was their fault, and I slowly changed. I was a REBEL and nothing was going to stop me but me... Good Luck, she'll come home but when she does you need to set LIMITS and IF she is ready to change, she'll obey if not don't let her come home. Unfortunatly she has already grown up so fast that it's hard for her to think of her self as a child.

I'm praying for you both. :wink:

Stoneheather, here are the answers to your questions:

It does sound like a drug problem but she's not doing drugs. She has been tested regularly and no drugs in her system. She smokes cigarettes, that's it. She told me she's tried weed and extacy once and didn't like the effect the drugs had on her. Only she knows the true answer to that question I suppose. I'm just going with the tests results.

As far as the father to her baby is, she says it's this one guy, he's 23 (I'd love to rip him a new you know what!) and a real low life type guy. What he's doing with a 16 yr old (apparently was with her since she was 14) is beyond me and tells me how immature he is. My daughter has nothing my trash for friends. People I wouldn't let ten feet near my house. Dangerous people. Street people.

She has 2 older sisters from her biological father's (another story on its own) side that she hasn't been able to contact for about 2 years now. we don't know where they are. no name is the phone book. Her little sister lives with us here and yes, she talks to her for long periods of time when she does call home. They do miss eachother.

Like you but on a more violent scale, my daughter at the age of 14 pulled a butcher knife on me one day and stabbed the microwave instead of me. We called the Police and that was the first time we had her arested. It went downhill ever since for her. She's had a lot of charges but they're not violent ones (except for that one) or for theft or drugs, they're for breaching probation from the knife cahrge and for not obeying rules in the home (judge ordered her to obey rules in the home). So, her warrant is for breach because she ran from the foster home after being ordered from a judge to remain with CAS in a foster home and go to school.

We will never give up on her, ever. The door is always open for her to come home and she knows that she has to have rules to live here. I was a stay at home all her life (while she was living with us until 14) and only went to work for the last year and 1/2 (to stay busy and sane). I am back to being a stay at home mom again so her sneaking in here won't be successful. There was a point while she was living with us that we had to put locks on our bedroom and her little sister's bedroom doors because of her stealing. We had to hide our money and cigarettes. She has never sneaked into our home to steal though. this was only done while she was living with us.

Now that she's 16, if and when she decides to come back home, there will be limits and rules she'll have to follow. if not, i'll have no choice but to tough love her out the door. Doesn't mean i don't love her though. i love my first born with all my heart and soul. This is a tough love case. that's done to do as a parent.

I'm really happy to hear that you've come out of this OK. I understand rebellion as I was one of those teens too (been on my own since 16) but not to the extent that my daughter is doing. I too put my parents through hell and back and am very sorry i did. You know that old saying? You get it back twice as bad as you gave it? Boy, has that proven to be true in my case!

How old are you now if you don't mind me asking? and at what age did you come back to your parents?