To sad to believe

[kathy]

I have been told to put a post on here, so here it goes....


My life has become a fighting struggle, with a husband who commited suicide, the death of my 3 year old daughter and rejection/abuse from my family. Im not going to lie now but all i can think of is, suicide is my only way out. I know it isn't but i only know it in my head and not in my heart and on an average i find it so diffuicult to come across.

After i buried my daughter and time went on, i could say i was improving, i was becoming happy again and healing in a good steady pace. Then i started recieving abusive and threating emails from my husbands brother, so my life started callopsing before me and has knocked me even lower than before. Now im feeling that i am reaching the end. Its a thought that is hurting me so much, but i can't help but think it.

Thankyou to anyone who took the time to read this, i just needed to get it out. Thankyou

[TKDLady]

I am so sorry Kathy. You have been through so much. As for the abuse, what is wrong with those people? Can you move away, change your e-mail and just plain change your scenery, make a new life for yourself? It might help. I can only imagine a small portion of the pain you must be feeling. I have two kids, both adults now but I would be devastated if anything happened to either of them. Killing yourself is never the answer. Obviously your husbands family is in pain too but they are dealing with it in an unhealthy way. You have my deepest sympathies. Please talk to someone if you feel you can't deal with it anymore. We are always here to listen and be the best support we can be but sometimes we need to seek professional help. I hope you will continue to post here and let us know how things are going. Take care Kathy.

[Luba]

Beautiful post, TKDLady! Kathy, you will find tremendous caring, compassion, and all the love you can hold posting what you are going through. Know you are loved!

[kathy]

Thankyou for that tkdlady. I wish it was as easy that. I would like to move away and start fresh, but i haven't got the money or help to move and with the credit crunch at the moment it is rather difficult. Well my husbands and his brothers relationship was so close and he was so devasted when he found out he was dead and i think he wanted someone to blaim par him. So i think he blaimed me. He sent me a few death threats. In the end i had no choice and had to take it to the police. They advised to get a restraining order on him. So im going to court at the end of the month to obtain it.

I know suicide is not the option. I always think myself that is not the way to go, don't be stupid. The feeling inside is different to what i think. I feel like i should do it, but i force myself not to. Sorry to go on. I will shut up.

Thankyou again for listening. Its a great help.

[TKDLady]

Not for the same reasons but I have felt similar to you on the suicide thing. There was a time I thought things would be better if I just wasn't around and the hurt ended. I am glad I never thought real seriously on it. The thought of my kids always came to my rescue. You are a vibrant woman. Lift your chin and know that you are a worthwhile person. We are here for you anytime.

[kathy]

I think everyone has been there, but some people are more senstive to it. Its difficult. I mean some days i can be fine and then other days i can be so depressed, that it takes you to that limit. Its a nightmare of an emotion, but talking to people on here can make it better. I find a more stronger comfort with talking to people on here than talking with professionals. I go to counceling sessions once a week and i find it horrible most of the time, but i have to go to them because im not a fit state to work after the accident and suicide attempt. So i have to be able to claim my disabilty allowance. I would like to stop it and start working but im not aloud. Unfortuantly i have to wait, it can be a real downer at times.

[TKDLady]

I am sorry you are suffering so. Keep coming and we will keep listening. We care about you. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[kathy]

Thankyou for your kind input. I wasn't comfortable with posting on here, I was holding a fear of being opinianated for the way i was feeling. Telling people i don't really know my feelings was an uneasy thought to come across, but Luba said it would be a great help for me. So i decided to and it gave me some help, it made me think and soon enough i realized what i was doing, also with much Persuasion from Luba. I finally realized what i was doing and my mind changed instantly to what i was thinking and this is what i posted to Luba....

I've been thinking alot today nor have i been drinking for once. I decided with a clear, sober mind to change this around. Change what i am doing to myself, im a wasting my body away with this depression. My stomach is hurting so much from not eating and drinking instead, my mind didn't have a focus, i was only focusing to drink to drive away my pain. My whole body is scared from cutting myself with such desperation to not want live this life. When i think about this is a clear prospectus i have realized of how much of ass i become.

My mind has opened up to a new level and i have seen the greatness this website holds and how much of a fool i was for not posting sooner (sorry Luba). You people on here are such fantastic people and i would like to thank everyone.

I wouldn't say that i am fully recovered, i still have a few moments of depression, but i could say that i feel like im on a road to a full recovery.

[Luba]

This is a very caring, compassionate, loving place, Kathy, which you will see how it applies to you as you keep posting on your road of life! Your post may resonate with someone who is a member, or becomes a member, and therefore, you will be able to help someone who is hurting and trying so hard to heal.

[Meanon]

Originally Posted by kathy

After i buried my daughter and time went on, i could say i was improving, i was becoming happy again and healing in a good steady pace. Then i started recieving abusive and threating emails from my husbands brother, so my life started callopsing before me and has knocked me even lower than before.

I wasn't comfortable with posting on here, I was holding a fear of being opinianated for the way i was feeling.

Kathy I'm so sorry to hear how badly you've been treated and what an awful effect it's had on you. It's so unfair, especially when you were recovering so well from two tragedies that would have devastated anyone.

I wonder whether the fact that you've been treated so badly when you needed and deserved help was one of the reasons why you've been so scared to talk about your feelings. I'm so glad you posted. Nothing is as scary as feelings we can't admit to anyone, even ourselves. Talking about it and seeing that the normal reaction of others is to care, not to punish, shows how mixed up your ex brother in law is for blaming you. There is no excuse for it, but it may help to know that he must be suffering from tremendous guilt himself to behave in such an inhumane way.

You know from the past that by not acting on the feelings, they can change in time and you can begin to find happiness again. Do anything that helps fight the feelings and don't feel guilty about it.

It's such a pity that the counselling isn't helping. If it's just hard to talk, then please do keep trying as it will help in the end. If you don't find the counsellor warm and supportive or you just don't get on with them, then try and see someone else.

Things which will help: having a plan for what you will do when the feelings get bad to help you resist them, talking to someone about the cutting so that if you have to do it then you can do it safely, finding other sources of distraction and comfort - such as posting here.

I think posting here is was a huge risk for you kathy and it marks a major change in the way you view yourself, as someone deserving of sympathy. Now you see how much it helps, please continue to be kind to yourself. There will be times when you judge yourself harshly once more, but try and remember that this is just a symptom of your experience, that it will pass and that you are capable of giving and receiving the comfort that will make you feel worthwhile, that will remind you of the wonderful person that you once were and still are when you can find a way through the bad stuff.

Please forgive me if this doesn't help: I know someone who struggled with bad experiences that happened after their child had died. They found it helped to see the forgiving, self soothing side of themselves as the mother they had been and still were, even though their child was not with them. They found it helpful to reflect on what a joy the short time of being mother to such a beautiful child had been and to see that the capacity of mothering was something that the child had given her, a gift that would stay with her forever, a way the child would stay with her forever. When she began to judge herself harshly, she was more easily able to access feelings of compassion and self soothing and she began to find it easier to distance herself from the bad feelings when they arose. This was a turning point in finding her path back to happiness. It may not work for you but I've shared it in case you find it helpful. I have material I can send you from a compassionate mind workshop that may be able to be used as self help to develop skills of self soothing that can be driven out by traumatic experiences, please let me know if you would like me to send it to you.

I'm glad you're feeling better for posting Kathy