When Husbands / Ex-Husbands terrorize

CCC · 08-17-2008, 11:01 AM

I have a friend who is being terrorized by her now ex-husband. He seemed like a decent fellow at first, but he's become increasingly more violent.

At first, he became attacted to pornography. Eventually it was found he was cheating on her and got one of her friends pregnant (yeah, some friend of hers).

My friend has had health problems with a potentially fatal rare disease, but she's been coping with it, but this guy's become violent toward her, and he knows where she's most vulnerable. She eventually received the divorce and the abuse was rather documented during the procedings.

She's usually afraid to go to the police (though they have been called at times), her mother is of no help and she (her mother) has abusive tendencies herself, her father is a great man but is in advanced age and has health problems.

This week he was able to tap into her answering maching messages after tricking her mother into revealing her new phone number (pretending to be a pharmacist or some such medical profession). Last night he attacked her yet again when she was walking her dog. He was wearing a ski mask.

She doesn't deserve this.

Scott · 08-17-2008, 11:17 AM

Difficult issues.....and So freaking MANY.

I'm not sure why she's usually afraid to go to the police?

It seems they may be next to worthless in this situation, which only leads to One Thing: Vigilanteism.

I really think Vigilanteism is under-Rated in the USA, and actually happens more than we hear about. I'v only participated once, sort of. I had a GF who lived at home with her recently divorced mother and 14 year old sister. Apparently the pervey middle-aged neighbor took the opportunity of family turmoil to make uninvited advances on the 14 year old.

I was told this story, and decided to have a little private conversation with the Perve. I simply rang his doorbell and invited him onto the porch because "I didn't think he'd want his wife to hear." I relayed the story I'd heard, and the potential "Theoretical Consequences."

Apparently, my rather forceful, detailed, and lurid description of these consequences were unsavory enough to compell the Perve to make conscious efforts to avoid everyone in my GF's family for the remainder of his life.

I find that sticking a Huge Wad of Chewing Tobacco into your mouth before having one of these discussions, and punctuating your thoughts by spitting several feet, emphasises your impression.

Vautrin · 08-17-2008, 11:23 AM

No, she does not deserve this. Sadly the problem is not easily solved. File report after report with the police, procure a restraining order, but that takes a long time.

The question is how much good that will do in the short run. And as harsh as it sounds, (and it is a pattern that is recurring in abusive relationships), she really needs to want to address the issue; and that means kicking the abusive dolt out of her life. She needs support for that, but support can only work as support, not do the things she needs to do herself.

TKDLady · 08-17-2008, 12:32 PM

Sounds like she needs to move and change her name and not tell anyone anything. I don't know what the laws are where she lives but here in Florida you can carry a concealed weapon. I don't advocate such violence but domestic abuse is so ignored for lack of a better term where the court system is concerned. As soon as a woman complains that her husband is threatening her then the police should act. But usually you are told they can't do anything until he actually does something. So I have to die first before you believe me???? If she doesn't have backing from police or family then she needs to take a few steps to help protect herself. Does she have someone she can stay with for a while? These stories make me so angry. No one has the right to terrorize someone else no matter what their relationship. Have her take Taekwondo. We have women join all the time who have been victims of abuse. Does wonders for them and their self esteem plus they learn to kick a$$.

SundayGirl · 08-17-2008, 12:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Vautrin

No, she does not deserve this. Sadly the problem is not easily solved. File report after report with the police, procure a restraining order, but that takes a long time.

Depends on the county. Some can and do accelerate the process rather easily, based on the history. Victims advocate agencies are fantastic at helping slice through the red tape. (Note: She may have an easier time locating them in state, rather than county, listings, even if there is one in her county.)

Quote:

The question is how much good that will do in the short run. And as harsh as it sounds, (and it is a pattern that is recurring in abusive relationships), she really needs to want to address the issue; and that means kicking the abusive dolt out of her life. She needs support for that, but support can only work as support, not do the things she needs to do herself.

As much as she may not want to, she is also going to have to give her mother the boot as well.

Meanon · 08-17-2008, 08:09 PM

Why is she more scared of going to the police than being attacked by her ex? I suspect because she fears what he will do in response. If so, she may find it helpful to go to an advocacy group, as recommended by Sunday Girl, who may help her take refuge until the police can take action.

Scott · 08-17-2008, 08:18 PM

Carry a Gun.

Meanon · 08-17-2008, 08:48 PM

Or Pepper Spray?

F&L · 08-17-2008, 08:57 PM

Or a tazer?

TKDLady · 08-17-2008, 09:03 PM

Maybe all three. One is bound to do the trick. She should really check into a woman's shelter. Probably the best option of all.

CCC · 08-17-2008, 09:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Vautrin

No, she does not deserve this. Sadly the problem is not easily solved. File report after report with the police, procure a restraining order, but that takes a long time.

There have been plenty of visits from the police from prior incidents and restraining orders have been procured. As far as I know, he's still technically not allowed to be in contact with her (without police protection).

The divorce procedings and alimony settlement took that into account.

Quote:

Originally Posted by TKDLady

Sounds like she needs to move and change her name and not tell anyone anything. I don't know what the laws are where she lives but here in Florida you can carry a concealed weapon. I don't advocate such violence but domestic abuse is so ignored for lack of a better term where the court system is concerned. As soon as a woman complains that her husband is threatening her then the police should act. But usually you are told they can't do anything until he actually does something. So I have to die first before you believe me???? If she doesn't have backing from police or family then she needs to take a few steps to help protect herself. Does she have someone she can stay with for a while? These stories make me so angry. No one has the right to terrorize someone else no matter what their relationship. Have her take Taekwondo. We have women join all the time who have been victims of abuse. Does wonders for them and their self esteem plus they learn to kick a$$.

I'd like to be able to convince her to take a class on firearms and have a conceal-carry. California tends to look down on firearms protection, so cc's aren't easy to obtain (varies by county)

I also want her to move out of her home ASAP. Moving back into her parents isn't a good option because 1) he know where they live, and 2) her mother is nuts. She has a sister in Southern California who's cut off from her parents (again, the mother factor), and while she'd love to move in there, she'd hate to be out of contact with her father. Plus because of her health condition, it would be preferable to be near to Stanford and where her medical team is instead of the unknown of health care options down there.

Quote:

Originally Posted by SundayGirl

As much as she may not want to, she is also going to have to give her mother the boot as well.

Indeed.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Meanon

Why is she more scared of going to the police than being attacked by her ex? I suspect because she fears what he will do in response. If so, she may find it helpful to go to an advocacy group, as recommended by Sunday Girl, who may help her take refuge until the police can take action.

Yeah, part of it is retaliation, which is going to happen whether she reports or not. Not reporting only feeds into his psycho-control tendencies.

Another part is she fears her father (as advanced in years as he is) and her brother would do to retaliate against the psycho-ex.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Scott

Carry a Gun.

Absolutely.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Meanon

Or Pepper Spray?

She does have that. She didn't have that on her last night when she walked her pet. She can't afford to go out front without protection.