Living with an alcoholic or drug addict

Star · 12-12-2004, 05:56 PM

Have you ever lived with an alcoholic or drug addict? If so, how did you deal with it? Did it affect your life?

Both my parents were alcoholics so my childhood was pretty much crappy. My dad would leave for work 4 hours early and come home 4 to 5 hours after his shift was over so we hardly seen him around. When he was around, he was angry and drunk. It wasn't fun at all. My mother was working full time and going out to bars a lot. When she was home, same thing, tons of yelling, screaming and fighting.

I'm the oldest of 4 in my family. I seen a lot of things that my parents did that I didn't like. They were both unfaithful and I knew it, there was a ton of emotional and mental abuse and some physical abuse. I was left alone to babysit my 2 younger brothers (I have 3 now but only 2 of them at the time) at the age of 10. Kids used to love coming over to our house because there wasn't any supervision and their parents didn't like us because of the same reason. Because we were lewft alone most days, we did bad things. My brothers got in trouble with the law several times and we started drinking as early as age 14 and my brothers got into drugs (pot, acid, hash). My parents had no clue what we were up to because they were never there.

I never brought anyone home when my parents were home. It was embarassing for me so they only would meet my boyfriends very briefly as they would pick me up at the door. I used to get accused of doing things I wouldn't do all the time which is the reason I left home at 16 and been on my own ever since.

My parents are now sober and have been for almost 20 years. They are completely different people. My youngest brother was the lucky one. The 3 of us were basically on our own when he grew up so he had sober parents and a good life. I'm happy that he had a good life.

I went to Ala-teen for meetings and I got counselling for myself at the age of 25 to help me deal with all the anger I had bottled up inside me. It helped me tremendously. I have an awesome relationship with my parents now and have forgiven them for everything they did wrong bringing me up. I always was daddy's girl but now I actually know that i am. The alcohol isn't taking my dad over anymore so he's there for me always now.

Living with a person who's an alcoholic isn't fun. I was my dad's crutch for years after I moved out and that was the wrong thing for me to do but at the time, it made me feel like he needed me and i was important to him. I'm happy that they don't drink anymore. Because of my childhood, I can't stand to be around people who are drunk. I don't drink anymore and haven't touched a drop in 5 years. I was never an alcoholic so quitting was no big deal to me. I quit for other reasons.

Places like al-anon, al-ateen and AA are great. I couldn't of went through all that without al-ateen.

Duke · 12-12-2004, 10:05 PM

I know I've mentioned this a number of times but yes, I grew up in an alcoholic environment. My dad was always drinking and smoking and has only cut back recently due to health scares. I don't think he'll ever fully realize the damage he's done to me (and I'm pretty sure my brother) as a result of being a drunk.

I don't think I've ever truly dealt with him being that way. My childhood memories stem around putting beer in the fridge, opening beer for him, taking away the empties and then stacking cases in the shed. Just thinking about it now pisses me off but whatever, I'm not too close to him anymore. The thing that really frosts my glutes is that he's even allowed the drug to keep him away from his grand daughter which I simply refuse to accept. I've also went postal on my mother for giving my father excuses where none exist, the fact is that he's pathetic. It would be a lot easier for me if my dad was a blatant jerk but he really isn't, he's actually a pretty nice guy but he doesn't seem to mind letting the monkey on his back run the show. I cannot and will not ever accept it.

I've never looked for any outside resources in dealing with my anger toward this problem. I think creating this website and the ones to come are my way of dealing with the skelitons in my closet.

Star · 12-12-2004, 10:23 PM

We used to be my parents little bartenders too. I hated that. That's one thing I never allowed my kids to be. Never would I allow anyone to tell them to get them a beer. everyone around me knows this so they don't try it. they know better.

You sound like my brother. The one I get along with actually. He's still very angry at his crappy childhood. He and I used to vent about it all the time but he doesn't talk to me much about it anymore because he knows I've come to peace with it and put it where it belongs, in the past. His wife is now the one to listen to it. I don't think he'll ever get over it. He never got any outside help either though.

The thing is that my dad (especially my dad) really really loves him and eric is so angry that he doesn't see it. My dad has tried everything to make amends and eric is blinded to it. I stay out of it. I don't want my dad's feelings hurt and neither do i want eric's hurt. Maybe one day he'll forgive my parents for his crappy childhood.

You know, after I forgave them, I actually remembered a lot of good things about my childhood that was hidden behind all the crap. I try to remind eric of these memories and he doesn't remember most of them. he is 4 years younger then i am so maybe that's why.

Having alcoholic parent (s) can be extremely damaging to a family. It's sad that some choose the alcohol or drug over their children. I could never do that.

My other brother (2 years younger then i am), he drinks a lot. I think he might be an alcoholic, I don't know for sure though. When you grow up in a household like that, you either go alcoholic or can't stand to be around it type person. no in between.

darkangelism · 12-12-2004, 10:27 PM

My uncle is an alcoholic and his son, who is 21 was allowed to drink from about age 10. He is basically an alcoholic and is still so young, it will just continue the cycle.

Duke · 12-12-2004, 10:28 PM

My dad never made any attempts to deal with his dependancy and it made for volatile situations in my final years at home. I'm glad to be out of the environment and choose not to go back (not even to visit).

I have maybe a dozen beer per year that my daughter actually sees. I rarely drink now but I did struggle with the bottle in my mid 20's. I woke up one day all hung over, looked in the mirror and saw my dad. Needless to say, I rarely drink anymore.

Star · 12-12-2004, 11:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by darkangelism

My uncle is an alcoholic and his son, who is 21 was allowed to drink from about age 10. He is basically an alcoholic and is still so young, it will just continue the cycle.

Unfortunately, that is the truth about that kind of situation. Either you get turned off or you drink because that's what you've learned at home.

hubby's family are big time drinkers. every occasion, be it kids birthday parties or any holiday, they drink and they drink a lot. Most of my nieces had their first drink at age 12 with the family. That turns my stomach big time!! At a christmas get together one year, krystal was 10, hubby's aunt was trying to corse her into tasting her drink!! She had a rye and water. I caught her (krystal was saying no) and told her to never do that again with any of my kids. I don't believe that kids should be allowed to drink with family until they are of age. I was always disgusted when i seen my nieces drink at such a young age. They are very lucky that they didn't turn in alcoholics or maybe they did and i don't know about it. i only see them now at get togethers because they're in their 20's.

My girls never seen me drink. i used to drink after they went to bed. Hubby and i quit drinking for other reasons. and you know what? we don't miss it at all. The things you see at parties! wow! LOL!

Duke · 12-12-2004, 11:04 PM

I don't miss drinking either. I may have a drink once in a while but only if it's with someone else and never to get drunk. I don't even have booze in my house.

darkangelism · 12-13-2004, 12:12 AM

So you dont drink in front of your kids? My parents didnt drink when i was growing up and my dad still doesnt, but for me, i found myself more curious when i got to college, and started drinking.

Duke · 12-13-2004, 12:16 AM

I have the odd drink every now and again in front of my daughter as I refuse to pretend to be something I'm not. However I drink so rarely that she never sees it. She does know that I like a nice cold beer every once in a while and she also knows how I feel about excessive drinking and substance abuse as I've told her the story of my father. She's no idiot, the handfull of times she's actually seen him she knew he had a problem. It didn't take her long either as she started mentioning it around the age of 3 or so.

Merika · 12-13-2004, 09:09 AM

My parents never drank around my brother and I. They went to occasional work related parties and we were always glad seeing them have a good time. I'm sure we would've felt differently had they drank all the time rather than a couple of times a year.

As for me, my kids see me drink beer usually on Sat night and sometimes one other night a week while I'm on the puter. If I were irresponsible or drank during the day.....it might would bother them. As it is, they fuss at me for NOT going out like I used to. The only reason I don't go out is because I'm phobic about driving while drinking and there are just too many men in the bars here. It's a ZOO!

Stone · 12-13-2004, 10:23 AM

My parents never drank I think I've seen my mother drunk once at her 40th birthday party, as soon as she got silly my dad sent us away.... Till this day I wish I would have seen it ... they are such stiffs :roll:

My b/f is an alcholic (kinda) he is on special meds where he cannot drink at all, and he still does. So his mood changes quite often when he drinks. He started going to AA meetings last week, Lets see how they work.

His parents are also drunks and still are. i refuse to go to their home after 5:00 because they get so bad. Greg my b/f and his father got into a fist fight last weekend because they we're both drunk it is pretty sad..... Glad I wasn't there. All I know is my children will not be exposed to this behavior it doesn't matter who they are.

Meanon · 12-13-2004, 03:07 PM

Are you content with having no relationship with them, Duke? There's no reason why you shouldn't be, if they are a negative infuence on your life. We don't owe our love and time to anyone, not even our parents. It's just that you seem to be equating contact with acceptance. It's not. You can have a relationship with someone, without it being read as approval for everything they do or have done.

Life is short and at some point you ay want to let go of your anger as part of coming to terms with the past. It may be best to try and do this while they are still here so that you can tell them what you think of them, maybe even move beyond it. If, on the other hand, you know you are better off without them and will have no regrets then best let sleeping dogs lie.

I know how hard it is to live with an addict, how it warps their personality. The hardest thing to accept is that despite their love for you, you don't matter. Only their drug of choice matters.