Facing up to reality

[PepsiChic]

only 2 people in my life know about my past, but i think i can share some of my experiances here, mainly because Duke says your a great caring bunch of people and i trust Duke, and his judgement and i just need to talk

gonna do this is baby steps tho, taken me ages just to get this far. so the begining...

when i was 14 (im 20 next month) i was drugged and raped while on a school youth sailing trip. I cant say it terrified me then because i was very out of it from the drugs, but memories haunt me and those are scary enough.

Since then ive had a fear and strangely a love of boats, i love looking at them but i wont go on one. I never told anyone what happened. the first time i told anyone was about 9 months ago infact and uptil then ive never even considered telling anyone.

Mostly i think because my self worth went completely down the drain, and i didnt believe telling anyone would make any difference. Instead i let it eat away at me. And now im just trying to put the pieces i have back together.

Im sorry if this is really depressing
any advice/thoughts...anything, are welcome

[Luba]

I think talking about it and accepting the fact that none of that was your fault...you didn't bring it on; it was taken away from you in a terribly cruel way...

[darkangelism]

Well first of all, nice to meet you.

Anyway, thats horrible that you had to experience that. But like luba said its not your fault. Telling people is one of the hardest things to do. I was molested as a child, and i wasnt able to talk about it for a long time. I still havnt told my parents. But talking about it is good, let out the bottled feelings that you have. This is a good place, a safe environment.

[PepsiChic]

self-blame is such a hard thingto overcome, especially after such along time, because i can think of 101 things i keep telling myself i could and should of done.

I havent told my parents, and i dont think i ever will. Ive not had the best relationship with them, tho its not been the worst either. I just dont think i could put them through knowing what happen. I let them think ive gorwn up in a safe enviroment because they have done everything they could to keep my safe, ive grown up in a great small community tight knitt seaside town.

Howver much they think they wrapped my life in cotton wool id hate to show them the reality of what my life has involved including acohol and drug abuse and all sorts. But telling them any of that, including the rape would just kill them and i cant/wont do that.

[Duke]

I think you've taken a very important step in sharing this part of yourself because acceptance too is part of the healing process. I wish I could offer you some insight into this topic but its one I'm not familiar with.

I do know that rape and molestation is taken very seriously and the younger the victim, the more danger the criminal is in should he be thrown in with prison population. You know your a lowlife when fellow inmates want to kill you for your crime.

Its sad that people feel so closed off about this topic because I guarantee you gg, your not alone. Personally, I'd suggest looking into support groups or possibly even seeing a therapist and getting it off your chest. It's bad enough that it happened to you but the real tragedy is the years of anguish that follow as a result.

Also, I'm not sure how the legal system is in your part of the world but the statute of limitations here is quite flexible for this type of crime (for obvious reasons). You may even be able to report this person if you so desire because, sad as it is to say, you may not be his only victim.

Anyway, I'm glad you shared this part of yourself with us and I hope some of what we've added has helped ease your mind somewhat. The fact is, your a victim and at no point should you be made to feel ashamed of it. What happened is not your fault as stated previously so the best thing you can do for yourself is confront the issue and find ways to deal with it or at least, accept it.

[Luba]

Originally Posted by GamerGal

self-blame is such a hard thingto overcome, especially after such along time, because i can think of 101 things i keep telling myself i could and should of done.

Dear GamerGal, blaming yourself for such a long time is wasting your time in what could be a very beautiful life when you get past this...notice I didn't say 'if' I said 'when'...and you will because you are now talking about it which is good! No matter how many times you tell yourself what you could or should have done, nothing can change that...you can't go back...but you MUST find a way to go forward! You are twenty years old, and your twenties could be so joyful with such a bright future when you get past this. It's not your fault, you can't go back to fix it, but you can find a way toward peace and a beautiful life. Maybe someday you can help one person get through this with your experience...or more. Please keep sharing your feelings...while we may not be experienced enough to help, but we can listen and care for you with our loving cyberspace arms.

[darkangelism]

its not your fault, even if you had done something different, you do not control the actions of others. If you never tell your parents thats fine, you have to like who you are. I understand the not telling them, as you want them to feel that they kept you safe, but on the other hand they will love you anyway, they are your parents. You do need to accept yourself and that its not your fault and make yourself happy. You are young, and i dont get to say that much, as i am only 23, so you can have a great life.

You are not alone, everybody here will help you as best we can.

[PepsiChic]

Ive seen a psychiatrist, saw one for 2 years left feels worse then when i started. He said id created a defensive wall called a "mind block", he recommended me for hypnotheropy and apparently my sub-consious still put it up.

the legal system isnt bad here in England, they have been cracking down on rape cases in the 1800's but, i dont think i will ever go to the police about it. doing that would mean my parents would get involved. and thats just not something im willing to do.

Thankyou all for your posts, i cant express how much i appriciate it but i do. was so close to begging duke to delete it last night. Im sort of glad i didnt coz now ive said it i dont have to hide it. I still worry, get scared of what everyone thinks of me. Your ll such nice people, im just very weary and for that im sorry.

[TKDLady]

I am sure no one here would even consider judging you and I, for one, have no right to do so. We all have things that are extra baggage. Things we carry around with us until such a time as we can put them to rest. Things happen and we can't always control them. It is how you handle them that is important. It sounds like you are handling things in your own way and eventually you will find that happy balance. Keep posting and we will keep encouraging. You sound like a lovely young lady and I hope you find the peace we all so richly deserve someday soon.

[Duke]

Just to help put your mind at ease, I will NOT allow any kind of member belittling on this site. Joking around with each other and forming friendships is strongly encouraged but making members feel bad about themselves has no place here.

We cover and discuss a wide range of issues that are of a sensitive nature so at no time will I ever allow people to be bashed for things personal to them. As we grow, the discussions will get more serious and focused in nature so its imperative that the overall mood of the site be warm, friendly, and most of all, supportive (lifeSUPPORTERS).

I believe I've made it quite clear in the forum rules that being an ignorant tard will do nothing other than see your membership here expire very quickly.

Originally Posted by Forum Rules

- Member Bashing/Arguing and Debate: Members are freely allowed to relate to their fellow members as they see fit. When one member has a problem with the way their being addressed is where the problems lie. Should a concern be raised, we ask that the member creating the issue kindly refrain from the activity. I firmly believe the members here are the lifeblood of our community so I will not tolerate members making members uncomfortable. I take member bashing extremely seriously and should you be deemed a Sh1t Disturber, you're gone. This is one of the precious few examples of where you waive your rights as a member of this site. In other words, treat people as you would like to be treated. If your kind then they will be kind, if your mean then your banned.

If people cannot feel comfortable discussing important issues that are affecting them, then this entire site is useless and has no business online. As it is there is so much judgment, posturing, peer pressure and other bs in our daily lives that there is no way I'll allow it to taint the atmosphere here.

This place truly is Eden to some of us and I hope it becomes the same for you gg.

[darkangelism]

Originally Posted by GamerGal

I still worry, get scared of what everyone thinks of me. Your ll such nice people, im just very weary and for that im sorry.

dont apologize, we are here to help you. I see a lot of myself in you, the worrying about what others think, putting up a mental wall to not let pain in. I am wondering though, do you sabotage yourself to not get hurt? I do that.

Anyway, we are here to help you and im sure you will help us too, I for one am glad that you joined.

[PepsiChic]

thankyou tdklady for such kind words

darkangelism, i sabotaged my life for 2 years, drug abuse, alcohol abuse, in trouble with the police left home at 16, then let a man sabotage the last 3 years, hes was a drug user, and violent alcoholic, and then carried on where i left off before, im trying to get out of a lot of it, infact i havent touched drugs now for about 10 months. its a start i guess, buts very very early down a long road of undoing the last 6 years.

I just wanna forget it all, but the more i try anf forget or hide it all the more it hurts or effects me. I moved back to my home town, got a stable job and im just trying very very hard to get through life. arent we all.

[darkangelism]

Well it sounds like you are on a good path to recovery now.

[Adonaicole]

I think you are doing a wonderful job, gamergal. You are very brave and courageous. Take the time to enjoy your life, smell the flowers and such.