Dark Family Secrets

[IvyRose]

I write this not only for myself, but for someone out there that may be going through a similar situation.

I am an incest survivor. My predator was not only amongst trusted family members that had a huge hand in raising me, but was also female. She was the matriarch of our family and no one, except for me, dared to confront her on anything.

From the time I can remember, three years old, up until the last time she touched me when I was sixteen years old; she would treat me like a boyfriend. She would sometimes drug me and sometimes not.

Only one family member knew of what was going on and encouraged me to gain help through an outside source. I was sixteen years old before I uttered a word to anyone and my family sure did make me pay for opening my mouth.

I thought it was just a family problem and didn't want to get anyone in trouble. I kept this to myself until I was afraid another family member was in danger of being molested as well.

I stood up in the middle of dinner and announced to everyone what she had done. To my surprise, no one believed me. They called me a liar and said that I was making up stories about her. She was wonderful and could never do such a terrible thing to anyone.

Shortly after, I just wanted to die. I took a destructive path, not only trying to prove to myself that I wasn't homosexual by being promiscuous, but also entering the gates of substance abuse.

My recovery began almost as soon as I had started on this rage filled destructive path and I became someone that I wanted to be. After releasing this information that had been a dark family secret, I felt free and a clean young adult with goals set for the future.

My family for years still didn't believe me, but we did try and communicate. I was used as an escape goat for many years for them and that was fine. I knew in my heart that the truth would prevail in the end.

It did. She died about 5 years ago. My family met, by accident, family she had never spoke about. She was hiding an entire family from us and us from them. We found out she was ashamed of all of us and her family didn't even know she had been married, let alone had children.

We found out she was a pathological liar. There is still a question up in the air as to if I am actually blood related to her at all.

My family still won't talk to me, but not because they're mad at me. I would tell all over again if I could save just one person. I did make a mistake, I should have told the police while it was happening. She had started becoming an authoritive figure over children and that should have been prevented.

My anger is gone. I do realize she must have been abused, despite what her family is now telling us. She can't hurt anyone anymore and I can sleep at night now.

Thanks for reading...

[Vautrin]

Sadly, because of dynamics involved it is quite common that the abuser gets away with his / her behavior. And sadly those who have suffered at the hands of an abuser are at a higher risk to become abusers themselves.

If you have not experienced such a thing yourself, it is quite hard to believe your brother, sister, aunt or uncle would do such a thing. And even if you "see" some signs, you may end up interpreting them in such a way that you don't see them.

And another thing, without conclusive proof not much can be done. We had a case like that in the Netherlands, in which supposedly a police detective was involved with his daughter. His whole life was ruined, and did not change when it came out the daughter made the whole thing up.

It is hardly desireable that innocent people suffer from false accusations, or that guilty people make millions in "damages" when there is lack of evidence.

All this does not help victims of abuse. Society needs to find effective ways to help and protect victims.

[IvyRose]

Well, I can't go into specific details about my situation, but... There was a family doctor that did have conclusive proof about the abuse and never turned it over to the authorities.

He did tell me that I was not a liar and confessed with deep sorrow that he loved my family too much to report anything.

I didn't want to see anyone get hurt either, despite how angry I was at the predator.

I did find out from the reunited family members, that she had stayed in a mental home for over a year. That tells me enough to know, that she wasn't treated right herself and had problems.

This is a very hard crime to combat. There are people that get accused wrongly. There are victims that have told their families and been labled a crazy liar. I was just fortunate enough to have evidence and seeked professional help early on, to recover.

I have also had the fortune of helping other abused children in my life. It wasn't easy and trust me, we were very careful to make sure the evidence was solid before accusing an innocent person.

The life goal that I set out to do, helped me while helping others, including the guilty. They don't want to do what they do, some even want to get caught. Some even want to get better.

Not all, but some.

[Luba]

IvyRose, I'm just sick at heart for you and the pain you went through, and on top of that, being called a liar. I just don't know what to say right now...

You do strike me as a very strong person now who is looking out for others in the same situation...all I can say is "May God Bless You"!

[IvyRose]

Luba, please don't feel sorry for me. I just wanted to share because you all have and maybe someone out there will know that recovery is possible. You've been through a lot yourself.

There was a period in my life that I hated my own sex.

It's mature women like you that are warm, funny, and nurturing that give me faith that not all women are like her. That I can be whom I choose to be and find positive role models, like you, to guide me in being a better person.

[TKDLady]

You are amazing IvyRose and I am glad to know you. Sorry you have had such a trauma in your life however.

[Luba]

Originally Posted by IvyRose

Luba, please don't feel sorry for me. I just wanted to share because you all have and maybe someone out there will know that recovery is possible. You've been through a lot yourself.

There was a period in my life that I hated my own sex.

It's mature women like you that are warm, funny, and nurturing that give me faith that not all women are like her. That I can be whom I choose to be and find positive role models, like you, to guide me in being a better person.

You're beautiful post brought me to tears, IvyRose, thankful tears for your kind words!

Yes, it IS very possible to get through trauma and live your best life, as my idol, Oprah says! I know we all have such 'amazing, wonderful, survival skills' built in all of us, and sometimes it takes much digging to get them out! I've dug so deep within myself and I'm finding amazing wonders I didn't even know I had or that even existed, but I SO believe we all have them and can access them at any time when we really want and need to change our lives for the better! I'm writing this in a humble, not egotistical way at all!

I totally believe we are all created as 'Wonders of the World' and it's too bad that so, so many of us don't realize that! When we do, incredible things happen, pain diminishes and love just surrounds and abounds everywhere, it's happened to me, and I write this with tears in my eyes for finally realizing that! Forgiveness is extremely important in the healing process and I kept getting 'bit' until I realized that and dropped all the hurt, pain, and grudges I had. What a wonderful feeling came over me, I feel SO free and light now; I'm just a different person!

[Duke]

Sorry I've been avoiding this post simply because I've not had the time to give it a response it deserves.

First off Ivy, I'm really sorry that you had to endure not only the torment as a child but the utter nonsense following. For the life of me I can't understand how family members can simply ignore the cries of one of their own, it simply baffles me? I really wonder how many of these ignorant parents are actually dumb enough to wonder why they don't understand their children; they've had their chances but undermined their child's confidence at every turn.

Sorry if I come across so opinionated of family but I've seen enough in my lifetime to know the difference between good and bad or at least trying and ignoring. I think a lot of parents make the mistake of thinking their way is the only way simply based on seniority which is ridiculous. If you actually pay attention and see things through your child's eyes you will find that it isn't a lie and it isn't made up. It may take a little work to expose the root of the issue but it's your child for Gods sake and YES THEY ARE WORTH IT!!!

I'm very glad that you did do something about it Ivy but where you are today has nothing to do with anyone but you. Yes you may have received guidance along the way but it's completely up to you which path you take.

Where you were, where you are and where your headed is a testament to the fine person you are Ivy and it's an honor knowing you.

[Luba]

Originally Posted by Duke

I'm very glad that you did do something about it Ivy but where you are today has nothing to do with anyone but you. Yes you may have received guidance along the way but it's completely up to you which path you take.

Where you were, where you are and where your headed is a testament to the fine person you are Ivy and it's an honor knowing you.

Beautifully said, Duke! It IS definitely an honour knowing you, IvyRose!

[Duke]

Originally Posted by IvyRose

There was a period in my life that I hated my own sex.

Fortunately there's just as much good as there is bad, it can just be somewhat difficult to find the good sometimes because it rarely makes headlines.