Change of perspective...

Ayla · 06-02-2006, 03:59 PM

Have you ever found something out about someone and just completely changed the way you look at them? No matter how hard you try you just can not see them without that bit of information in the back of your head? This just recently happened to me.

I've posted before about "the one person I'll never forget". His name is Shawn and he and I clicked on so many levels but it just didn't work out that he and I could be in a long term relationship. I will always care for him on some level. Now, Shawn was my step dad's nephew.We were both adults when my mom married his uncle. I know, makes for a odd family reunion.

So here is the reason for the post though... I found out last night that as a child he was molested repeatedly by his uncle. NOT MY STEP DAD, but my step dad's oldest brother. For years this happened to Shawn and his brother. I don't know any of the specifics. I don't know if anyone knew it was happening when it was going on. I just don't know.

When I heard this information I just felt so bad for Shawn. He never said a word about it to me. It explains why he was so emotionally screwed up though. I just wanted to call him and tell him I know and to let him know I am here for him, but I knew that would be such a bad idea. He would not want me to do that I don't think. I just don't know what to do with this information, how to process it. It is such a shock to me. I feel like I should do something or take some kind of action...

Vautrin · 06-03-2006, 03:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ayla

So here is the reason for the post though... I found out last night that as a child he was molested repeatedly by his uncle. NOT MY STEP DAD, but my step dad's oldest brother. For years this happened to Shawn and his brother. I don't know any of the specifics. I don't know if anyone knew it was happening when it was going on. I just don't know.

Either way, it cannot undo what was done to Shawn and his brother. Perhaps some people knew, but denied it (for being to bizarre, and all that). Sad to say, it is often known abuse occurs, but nothing is done about it. And sometimes it remains a secret shared by the abused and abuser.

Quote:

When I heard this information I just felt so bad for Shawn. He never said a word about it to me. It explains why he was so emotionally screwed up though. I just wanted to call him and tell him I know and to let him know I am here for him, but I knew that would be such a bad idea. He would not want me to do that I don't think.

You can't do much for him. Certainly if you are not aware whether or not he has dealt with it, one way or the other. It may well be a sensitive subject, even if his family knows about it.

It may cause a family rift, in which half the family is siding with Shawn and his brother, and the other half is siding with their uncle. And of course, if his dad does not know a thing, he may turn against Shawn, if Shawn would accuse his uncle.

Quote:

I just don't know what to do with this information, how to process it. It is such a shock to me. I feel like I should do something or take some kind of action...

I am afraid you can't do much to change things. Perhaps DA can give an inside perspective on what abuse can do with a person. And how hard it is at times to overcome the damage.

twinkle · 06-03-2006, 08:18 AM

Hi, Ayla

I don't know if you can do anything about it. We all think we're close to someone, but people going through ths type of things take very good care of not getting hurt again.

My ex's brother commited suicide and when I found out I was devastated. He had never told me a thing. I tried to talk about that but nothing. In time, we were dating for about 6 months, he talked to me once about that and about the pain nd about how that destroyed his life and his family.

If you arein his life, you can talk about it... Idon't know, I think you risk him never wanting to talk to you or being open to you.

Take really care ... I know you want to do right... but it's sooo easy to do wrong...

Star · 06-03-2006, 08:26 AM

I wouldn't tell him that i knew a thing. I would keep this information and wait until he brings up the topic then slowly let him know what you know.

Being molested isn't something that's easy to talk about, especially for the victim. you kind of have to wait until he brings it up which might take years if ever.

I found out last week that my husband was touched as a boy and it only happened once. I've been with hubby for almost 17 years now and I had no idea this had happened to him. He knew it happened to me but i had no clue it happened to him.

Men really don't let that kind of information out as easily as women do i don't think. I would process it and lock it away until he brings it up, if ever.

Merika · 06-04-2006, 10:43 PM

That would be a hard call for me. I would feel like I wanted to be some support and comfort...but maybe he's dealt with it and doesn't want it brought back up in his life. I just don't know. Guys seem more embarassed about this stuff than women are in terms of talking about it later.

Ayla · 06-05-2006, 10:07 AM

Thanks guys. I think I will just keep the information to myself. We do not speak on a regular basis anymore. His uncle that did this to him is deceased now, and has been for about 6 years. He died of a heart attack. I feel bad for him and idealy I would like to try to help him, I just don't see this being a possiblity though. We both are married now, and we only see one another at family gatherings. I think he may look on it as an intrusion were I to try and discuss it with him.