Abusive parent??

[Oddysseus]

Hi everyone,
This is my very first post in this forums.
If i did or say something wrong, I apologize and feel free to point out my mistake.

I have lots of problems with my family, especially my father.
And I really think there are no one around me that can help or offer advice in an unbiased way.

My father rules the household like a dictator.
Whatever he wants, all of us, his wife and children, have to abide by it.
If we show any signs of resistance, he'll throw a fit like a child.
What makes things worse is that he can't seem to contain his anger to the person that caused it.

For example, if i did something wrong or do not want to do what he ask, and he is mad at me because of it, instead of getting angry with me or shout at me, he will get angry and shout at everyone else in the house BUT me. Me, he just ignored until i succumb and apologize to him and do what he wants. Even after I do that, it is no guaratee that he will not be angry anymore.

My problem now becomes double. Not only that i have to deal with my father's anger, i have to deal with everyone else's (my brothers and sisters) anger because, understandably, they are not happy being shout at for something that they do not do or do not understand. But they will somehow know that I caused it, and they in turn give me the cold shoulder.

This also happens the other way around, when someone else is making the mistake, and I get burnt because of it. Most of the time I tried to ignore it, but sometime I cannot help myself and blame that person too.

I really don't know what else to do. My mother unfortunately cannot help much. Her motto has always been: "Just do what your fahter said without question and your life will be fine." As I get older, this is getting harder to do. Especially when I finally realize that my plan for my life is very different than my father's plan for my life.

I will be very grateful if anyone in this forum can give me any advice at all about my situation.

Thank you very much for letting me post.
Oddy.

[Vautrin]

Welcome to LifeSupporters Oddy, although I wish the circumstances would have been more pleasant.

This is a very hard situations to be in.

Your father is definitely abusive, and holding the family ransom with his tantrums. He has no right to act like some dictator who can do as he pleases, with disregard for everybody else.

Your mother for whatever reason is condoning his behavior. She may have her reasons, but she should be supportive of the abused children (and herself). There might be a destructive dynamic between the two of them, but it is unlikely that if your mom condones his behavior that she will stop condoning it, unless something drastic happened.

What you can do, depends on various things, such as your age, your school situation, etc. So we need more details on these things, in order to give you better and more detailed advice.

[TKDLady]

First off, welcome to Lifesupporters. You have come to a very caring home on the web. I don't really know what I can say to help you but we are all here to listen and offer a shoulder. You didn't say how old you were and that is fine but just remember if you are 18 you are an adult and can make the decision to move out if you can make it on your own. You didn't say if your father was physically abusive. Getting mad at you and yelling is one thing but if he is violent that is quite another. Have you ever tried talking to him about this? You might try talking to him and telling him how you feel. I am sure some of the others will chime in here and let you know their opinion as well. Keep posting and let us get to know you better. We may not be able to fix your problem but we can certainly listen and sometimes that is what is needed most. Again welcome to our family Oddysseus.

[Oddysseus]

Thank you so much for the warm welcome. You have no idea what it means to me.

I am really embarrased to say this. I am 30 years old and still live with my parents.

This is partly because of the culture our family is in. An unmarried woman, like myself, cannot leave their her parents house. There are few loopholes, like when you go to school or have a job in another city. But generally, you have to get married (something that i don't intend to do, most likely, ever) if you want out of the house.

I do have a job, and it pays adequately. My family is quite well-off, so with me still living with my parents, I am not really bothered with finacial matters.

The problem is, my job IS a big part of my problem. I work with my family business. This doesn't only involve my parents, brothers and sisters, but also cousins, uncles, aunts, etc. The truth is I hate my job. And this job, along with all of the problems i have at home, has led me to depression several times before. When my manners becomes unbearable to
my parents, they will send me to a psychiatrist to get treatment. But this never last long. As soon as i get a litte better, the treatment would stop. I have to admit, that i stopped going myself, my parents never told me to. It's just i always felt they are getting impatient if i go too the psychiatrist to long, so it makes me feel very uncomfortable of going. And my parents always show immense relief when i stop going. After that, it's like
my problems never happened.

During my past treatment, i have talked to my parents about my problem of working with the family. Because at that time i was sick, they seem willing to understand and willing to consider letting me go. But as soon as i looked well enough, they just ignore everything we have talked about and think everything is back to normal.

Nowadays, i just cannot take it anymore. I can't even bear listening to anything remotely related to the family business. It just makes me loose temper and generally unpleasant. The trouble is, now my family REALLY cannot afford to let me go. One of my sister is having a serious illness, so someone (namely me) has to take over her place. I really understand the situation and that i have obligations to my family. But the thought of
having to work with my father day in and day out, for the rest of my life, just depressed the heck out me. I feel so overwhelmed.

The mistake I mentioned on my last post was that i told my father i just cannot do it anymore. I said it to him point blank. And he was very offended by it. Now he is throwing tantrum, ignoring me, and deliberately ruining my brother's very important plan (which my father must be involved in order to work) by saying that he just will not help my brother. He even told my mother, who then told my siblings, the reason why he did that: me.
You can guess how my brother, understandbly, react to that news. Not that i'm surprised with this situation. My father have done this many' many times before. But it still hurts, especially when i know one of my sibling is annoyed or mad at me because of it.

To answer TKDLady's question, my father never lay his hand on me or my sisters, ever. He may have hit my brothers with a belt when my brother was younger, but i was not there to witness it. He hardly ever shout at me anymore these days. But he never stops throwing his tantrums around the house. And that makes my home is not a happy one.

I really don't know what to do now. I used to pity my father because since i have received treatment, i know that there's most likely something wrong with him physically (in his brain) and he can't help himself. But now, i can't even do that anymore.

I'm really sorry if I post this long. It's just that, i have to get this off my chest.

Again thank you for your warm welcome and kind words. Those alone already make me feel better. Oh, and if you think my post is too long, feel free to edit it.

Best wishes and thanks,
Oddy.

[TKDLady]

I don't think a post can ever be too long. When you have things to get off your chest then you just let it go. I am at a loss as to what advice I can give you. It sounds like you live somewhere other than the USA which is where I am. I am glad you don't get beat. If you lived in the US I would think you could just go look for another job, find somewhere else to live and move on. Your family may be angry with you at first but I think they would get over it soon enough. Another option may be college if you haven't already done so. Go away to college somewhere and let your life be your own then. This is just my opinion and it may be next to impossible for you. I don't know. If coming here and talking about it all helps then keep coming. We are all more than willing to help if we can and always here to listen. Good luck in what ever you decide to do Oddy.

[Vautrin]

Originally Posted by Oddysseus

The problem is, my job IS a big part of my problem. I work with my family business. This doesn't only involve my parents, brothers and sisters, but also cousins, uncles, aunts, etc. The truth is I hate my job. And this job, along with all of the problems i have at home, has led me to depression several times before.

So the conflict is not only about your father's behavior. You are also torn between family obligations, and the family business and setting up life in a way you find more appropriate for yourself.

I have to admit, that i stopped going myself, my parents never told me to. It's just i always felt they are getting impatient if i go too the psychiatrist to long, so it makes me feel very uncomfortable of going. And my parents always show immense relief when i stop going. After that, it's like my problems never happened.

It seems not only you get uncomfortable with going (timewise), but also that you may feel the root of the problem is not you. A psychiatrist or psychologist can work on your problems, but not by proxy on the problems your father or mother, or whomever has.

During my past treatment, i have talked to my parents about my problem of working with the family. Because at that time i was sick, they seem willing to understand and willing to consider letting me go. But as soon as i looked well enough, they just ignore everything we have talked about and think everything is back to normal.

There is the crux. The same patterns are reoccuring shortly after treatment, which will get you nowhere.

The trouble is, now my family REALLY cannot afford to let me go. One of my sister is having a serious illness, so someone (namely me) has to take over her place. I really understand the situation and that i have obligations to my family.

Imagine (just as a thought experiment), what would happen if you stopped working in the family business, for one reason or another. How would the business cope? How would a replacement for you be found? Would the replacement put up with your father's behavior?

Now he is throwing tantrum, ignoring me, and deliberately ruining my brother's very important plan (which my father must be involved in order to work) by saying that he just will not help my brother. He even told my mother, who then told my siblings, the reason why he did that: me.

And with that he is contributing to the downfall of the family business, even though he is oblivious to the fact. Everybody will be miserable because of all this, get sick, one way or the other, and the family business will suffer as a result. His behavior is not the way forward, but he is probably too stressed to even see that.

I used to pity my father because since i have received treatment, i know that there's most likely something wrong with him physically (in his brain) and he can't help himself. But now, i can't even do that anymore.

Which is completely understandable. You can pity someone for his misfortunes, but it is impossible to pity someone when you suffer the brunt of that person's rage, anger etc.. The natural reaction is to look for a way out of that situation.

Any chance that a discussion with other family members who also suffer at his hands will yield a positive outcome? It is one thing when one or two people complain about his behavior, but it becomes a different matter when only one or two people defend his behavior.

If not, you may need to look for a place of your own, and perhaps also need to apply for a job outside of the family business, as heartbreaking as it may be, to you and your family.

Sanity has no price. If noone is willing to listen to your concerns and address them one way or another, and allow your father to drive you and your relatives insane, then it may be best to opt out of that. But I know that is easier said than done, even moreso given your family's culture.

[Oddysseus]

TKDLady and Vautrin, thank you so much for your kind words and advice.

You're right TKDLady, I don't live in the USA. I went to college there, though. Very nice country. But it is my parents' condition that I must go back home after I graduated and I did. I just don't have enough guts to say no to them.

Besides, if I do defy them, who knows will get burnt because of my action. My father once threatened to cut off my sisters' allowance (when they're going to school abroad) because he had problems with my brother. With my brother...who at that time lives here. And my sisters, half a world away, and had no idea about what was going on, had to frantically get a double job to make sure they still can afford tuition just in case my father made good on
his words. Words fail me.

And Vautrin, everything you said is true. This problem within my family has been going on so long that everything you said has crossed my mind one time or another.

Except for this part:

It seems not only you get uncomfortable with going (timewise), but also that you may feel the root of the problem is not you. A psychiatrist or psychologist can work on your problems, but not by proxy on the problems your father or mother, or whomever has.

I have never thought of it that way. Most of the time, I just feel that's my parents finally got it that I'm sick, and everything at home seems fine, and that i have nothing else to say to my psychiatrist. But what you said actually makes sense of the whole situation.

Imagine (just as a thought experiment), what would happen if you stopped working in the family business, for one reason or another. How would the business cope? How would a replacement for you be found? Would the replacement put up with your father's behavior?

And with that he is contributing to the downfall of the family business, even though he is oblivious to the fact. Everybody will be miserable because of all this, get sick, one way or the other, and the family business will suffer as a result. His behavior is not the way forward, but he is probably too stressed to even see that.

My father IS a very defensive man. He never thinks he's in the wrong. And when he does admit he's wrong, he still thinks that he made the mistake because someone else's fault. You know what i mean?

About the downfall, that's one of the reason why i want to leave. It's like I already sense the ship is sinking and want to get into a lifeboat. I just don't have the mental strenght or enough courage to deal with any family break up that may occur in the future. I mean, my family, and not just the immediate ones, is very important to me.

But then again, I may have to wait for a looooong time before anybody else gets sick of my father's behaviour. My family elders (Aunts and Uncles) put up with him for more than 30 YEARS! And my cousins do too, when they start joining the business. I know that they don't like it, but just as hopeless as I am. I once talked to my uncle, who is older than my father, about this destructive behaviour. My uncle just said that my father is like that and there's nothing we can do about it. So I just have to cope with it.

Any chance that a discussion with other family members who also suffer at his hands will yield a positive outcome? It is one thing when one or two people complain about his behavior, but it becomes a different matter when only one or two people defend his behavior.

I think this is hopeless Vautrin. We did this before. My mom and the kids would talked our heart out, but no one is brave enough to confront him directly. Not together anyway. Once in awhile, one of us would get fed up and burst. But the ending is always the same, we would "compromise" (in my family this means that father will get what he wanted anyway).

I just don't think you can talk to a guy who said it plainly that "He will not change. He does not want to change. And God help the people who try to make him change." I swear those were his words...well, the English translation of them anyway.

I used to count on my mom to help me and my siblings dealing with my father. When my father's tantrum affect the whole house, including her, she can be so understanding even supportive to what the children have to say. But once my father cools off, my mother would change her mind and tell the kids to "just do what my father says". That sort of makes me angry at her most of the time.

I really wish I can leave the house. Get a job some place else. Lately I have gathered a little bit of courage to do just that. Then, my sister got ill. It's not her fault and i never thought of blaming her. She's my closest sister and all I feel right now is that I grieve for her condition. But this does put me in a difficult situation. I have to stay. For Her. Because she asked me to. But I have no idea how long i can last. During my depression, I always thought that death is the only way out of this mess. Now I'm starting to feel that way again.

well, thanks again for letting me pour my heart out. You guys are so great. I really wish there are lots more people like you out there.
Oh, do you mind if I asked how and why you guys start this wonderful site? It's probably in the FAQ, I'm gonna check that later.

Best wishes and thanks again,
Oddy.

[TKDLady]

I am sorry for your situation Oddy. Death isn't the answer though so be patient, wait until your sister is better and try again to move on. As for why the site was started Duke will have to give you the full answer but the short of it, at least to my understanding is, he felt the need to help others due to situations in his past and decided to start this site. The site was 4 years old in July. I joined almost 3 years ago and have never regretted it. Keep coming back. Vent if you have to. We are here to help and be a shoulder for you. I know for me talking helped when things were rough. Take care and see you around.

[Vautrin]

First of all a .

The situation does not look good Oddy. It seems you have looked into all options and tried them, but with no substantial success.

Then, my sister got ill. It's not her fault and i never thought of blaming her. She's my closest sister and all I feel right now is that I grieve for her condition.

Of course it is not her fault. From the way you word it, I gather it is a chronic or severe ailment.

I really wish I can leave the house. Get a job some place else. Lately I have gathered a little bit of courage to do just that. [...] But this does put me in a difficult situation. I have to stay. For Her. Because she asked me to. But I have no idea how long i can last.

And this will affect your health negatively. Which also affects your ability to be there for your sister, to find the mental energy to be supportive of her, and the same holds for the work you do in the family business.

That is something which may slightly help you, in a strange way (although I doubt your dad can be convinced of it). If you could convince your dad of the benefits of you working outside of the family company (e.g. beneficial effects on your health; not to mention that the family itself becomes a bit less dependent on the family company, which may be a good thing if the company hits hard times), then you could remain close to your sister, while not being exposed to your dad's anger for as much time as you currently are.

An unmarried woman, like myself, cannot leave their her parents house. [...]But generally, you have to get married (something that i don't intend to do, most likely, ever) if you want out of the house.

I am not going to suggest marriage for marriage's sake. That would only backfire, since your heart would not be in it. I know it is a loaded question, and I hope you can forgive me for that: Is there a particular reason you do not have the intention to marry?

During my depression, I always thought that death is the only way out of this mess. Now I'm starting to feel that way again.

I know it is very hard, but try and remain positive. There must be ways out of the situation, but they may require time and patience.

[PepsiChic]

Oddy, ive watched this thread for a while, and i apologise for not having posted sooner!

first off a HUGE BIG HUG from the UK to wherever you might be.

i cant say i know much about family business's nor childish tantrum throwing fathers. but i do know more then my fair share about mental illness.

its obvious theres a problem if your constantly going back and forth from a psychiatrist because of problems with your father. but being on and off medicaton isnt good for your well beging.

nor is staying in a situation that refuses to change for the better. I understand how you feel when you say sometimes it feels like death is the only way out, but thats not always the case.

you need to eliminate either living with your parents, or working with them. id of said both but i know that is a very hard thing to achieve at once.

is it possible to find a place to live on your own? or even with another sibling? rent a flat or house out nearby but continue to work within the family business? this would mean your still very much a part of the family, still helping your sister out, but at the same time, giving yourself a bit of freedom from the tantrums that your father continues to throw.

i understand love for family can make things difficult to do. like leaving the family home. but by staying and doing what your father says, he has ultimatly won power over yourself and your family.

he knows that if you dont do what he says he'll throw a tantrum, and bully someone else to get his own way. if you say your moving out and he says "im going to cut off your brother allowence" just say ok and walk away, dont rise to him, dont let him manipulate, and if he does cut off your brothers allowence, is it possible for you to help pay it?

you cannot keep letting him manipulate and bully you, but only YOU can stop it by taking action.

good luck oddy *hug*