[Star]

You know, 1/2 of me wants to tell her she's not welcomed back but my heart won't let me do that. She hasn't called me yet today which tells me she's not wanting to come back. if she doesn't show up in time for x-mas (she knows our schedule) then she won't be allowed to come back. She's done this to us since she was 13 (not be here for christmas). this won't be the last if she doesn't show up soon.

Hubby is extremely supportive. He supports any decision I feel I have to make whether he agrees with it or not. He keeps telling me that I'm such an awesome mother and he hates the way krystal hurts me but he puts that all aside if I decide to try once more, everytime. He's the best!

I was feeding the baby a few night ago (krystal was still here then) in our bed and he looks at me and says that this is what he loves about me the most, the love I have for my children and now my grandchild. Those words mean so much to me because when you have a child that ends up like my krystal, you do sometimes question your parenting skills and do blame yourself at some points.

Even if Krystal isn't here, I still kind of have her here with Erika. Erika is 1/2 her so that makes me feel a little better. I am very sad that Krystal isn't here but there isn't anything i can do about that now. she is 16 and she can do what she chooses. I hope one day she'll come full circle around. In the meantime, I'll keep assuring erika that her mommy does love her lots. She must be missing erika by now. I know i'd be missing her!

Hubby, kassandra, the baby and i are all going shopping after the children's aid worker leaves. We still need to buy our stocking stuffers and a couple of cute outfits for erika to wear at the get togethers and a couple x-mas first christmas bibs. I asked hubby if we still buy krystal's stocking stuffers and he's leaving it up to me. He's such a wonderful guy! I'm going against it though. She doesn't deserve the gifts under the tree let alone the stocking stuffers. Why waste my money? I'll just buy more for kassandra and erika instead.

The problem I've always had in my life was my heart always over-ruled my logic. My whole family's like that. I'm cursed.