Don't chastise yourself too much. We all make mistakes, and noone is perfect. That is even under ideal conditions (when not constrained by worries over work, bills etc.). When battling demons, it becomes soo much harder.
I wish I had some words of wisdom. But 17 years is a very long time. It will not be easy to overcome this, as NT said. Perhaps you will find it helpful to put some of the stuff away. Or to write some of your thoughts down. Whatever works for you.
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I wasnt even angry about this guy.... i can't believe that, thats not like me or any other man for most part.
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I think this is telling in quite a few ways (please do not take this as a value judgment).