[NoTargeT]

I wish I could offer you some sort of help or advise, but to be honest I can't. But I hope just the fact that you could get things off your chest on here did help lighten your burden a bit.

I've been in a similar situation, but thankfully in a lot shorter relationship (4 years). Now my current wife is enjoying the things I learnt back then, communicating, not taking things for granted, all the things you're blaming yourself for in what you wrote above. I can't imagine what it is like to lose a 17 year long relationship with somone over this (about the same time I've known my current wife), and I can only appreciate the honesty in your words. As for that, you seem to be your own best advisor; you know where things went wrong, and you know what you should have done.

After my previous relationship went sour in an almost identical way as you describe above, I spent a bunch of months depressed and not really taking good care of myself. Then one day I got so sick of myself being like that, so I left the house we used to live in together and moved back to the town where I was born, chose a completely different line of work and made a completely fresh start. I just forced myself to start a completely new chapter in my life, and frankly other then killing myself slowely it was the only feasible option left. Looking back on it now it was one of the best decisions I ever made in my life.

Sorry for the lack of advise, I can only offer you the questionable comfort of knowing that you're not the only one having made those mistakes. Frankly I think we all make these exact mistakes at some point in our lives. It seems all we can do is learn, and live our lives in a better way afterwards....