[Duke]

I've had a little time to ponder your post T and I have to ask you a few questions.

1) First and foremost, you give reference to the fact that you both decided your lives were headed in different directions and decided to call it off. Assuming I'm reading this correctly, I'd say it sounds as if it was a decision you both actually came to and agreed upon amicably. I don't believe this is the case. I actually wonder if it wasn't something that had crossed your mind but was actually mentioned, agreed and acted upon primarily from your ex. Can you please elaborate?

2) How do you feel about women and how they view you?

3) Do you have low self esteem, a low number of friends, confidence issues, etc?

I hope the above questions don't read as badly as I think they do, I'm only asking so I can see the picture more clearly. You make mention of some pretty intense feelings and emotions but lay no groundwork as to why you feel them.

I'm also wondering if this is the only time you've considered your own mortality. Is this the event that started it all or have there been other times and other situations since or before?


Question period over.

Now onto some simple facts of life as I perceive them and what has worked for me. As Merika states, you aren't the first and will certainly not be the last person who feels this level of depression over the loss of a mate. Consider the pregnant mother who loses her mate in a tragic accident, the wife and mother who finds out hubby is cheating (or vice versa), both after many years of marriage or false bliss. Try and imagine what they face or soon will face and involve equity, children, immediate family and in-laws.

I broke up with a gal 10 years ago and never meant to go back but that all changed after a phone call announcing she was pregnant. Of course the baby was mine so I did the right thing, put my life in a vault, locked it and played dad/hubby. That all came crashing around me when we finally split for good (my daughter was one or so at the time), and really hit home when I found a love letter from her now husband. I'd be lying to you T if I didn't say that was Ken at his lowest point in life. I was confused, hurt, angry, etc., name the emotion, I had it and more.

It took me a long time to deal with the pain. The first 6 months immediately after the split had me crying myself to sleep at night. I got over it eventually and then it started up again after finding the love letter. It's been 9 years now since it happened and it's left scars behind that will never truly heal. I have learned from them though, not to say the situation may never come again, but should it, I will be better prepared.

I've not dated seriously over the past decade. Prior to that, the longest I'd ever been without a girlfriend was about 2 weeks (maximum) as there was always a woman around. I had suicide in my grasp, had a plan, had a spot and a great chance for success with no pain, no discomfort, no awareness, just pass out and never wake and likely never be found either.

Two big reasons I chose life. The first being two little windows to a purely beautiful soul in a sweet little baby named Paris. The other was I looked into the eyes of a jumper on the Steelworkers Memorial Bridge here in Vancouver minutes before he jumped to his death. I made eye contact, I saw him and I saw him inside by looking at a face so contorted in pain that I may as well have been looking into his stomach. The abandon, hopelessness, and surrender I saw in that face haunts me to this very day and will stay with me till the day I die.

You want to know the worst part T, it's all bull****! You FEEL alone but are NOT alone. If you can't talk to your family then something tells me they aren't fully aware of how deep your issues are. I think they need some education, perhaps sit in a therapy appointment with you. As for the meds, statistical evidence shows us that anti-depressants and similar medications usage is on the rise and has been over the past decade for an abundance of reasons. I even took them for a short while but found they leveled off mood swings by sapping energy both mentally and physically so I stopped taking them and dealt with the problems head on.

What I did, which may or may not work but I'd consider it.

1) Take a good look in a mirror and figure out who T really is. What is the good, what is the bad, how can you change the bad or mold it to work for you as good?

2) Despite what everyone says, alone time is important but should not be all there is. You MUST socialize. By socialize I mean get the hell out of the house as the internet isn't gonna do it for you in this case.

3) Talk, talk and talk some more to those close to you. Don't bitch and moan because nobody wants to hear that over and over. Self pity will not help you heal, sorry but it's a fact.

4) Force yourself to smile. This may sound so stupid it hurts but it does work. Smile and the world smiles with you, frown and you do so alone.

In relationship matters, healing also can come from the arms of another partner. It's sad but also very true. No matter how great your last girlfriend was, she pales in comparison to someone else out there you have yet to discover. If that wasn't true then everyone would marry and stay true to their first love.

I could ramble on but this is enough for now and I'm starting to preach. Who am I trying to kid; I've been doing it all along?

T, I'm not sure of your situation there, but I know you have friends here. This is a great community and we all care, I know I do. All of the above is based off of a number of painful experiences in my life that had a part in who I am today. I think of myself as a fun loving guy with a reasonably good sense of humor, good reasoning skills, strong family values yet I'm cocky, insulting, quick witted and temperamental which is the mask I wear to veil my self esteem issues and low self confidence. I know these things as the years have made me face them head on. Now that I know and have been honest with myself I can improve upon who I am and be at Peace with Ken. It is this process that will help you find who you are T, I'm sure of it.

If you throw the above babble against the wall and none of it sticks then so be it. The one message I want to relay that I know is right is that Suicide is not the answer.