[Star]

you know, i don't solely blame gerry for this. we both have said and done things to hurt eachother throughout the years and somewhere along the way, we lost who we are. where did the "us" go??? as it stnds right now, there is no "us" anymore. i have my life and he has his and at the end of the day, we meet at home and hardly talk at all. i don't think this is how a marriage is supposed to be. i miss the "us" we had but if only one of us wants the "us" and works at it, it will never come back. I'm tired of being the one trying.

I tried to talk to him yesterday and as i'm talking, he's walking away from me. i told him that's one thing i won't miss about him; walking away from me as i'm talking to him. he really doesn't know how to communicate at all. i try and talk about the kids and what we should or shouldn't do with them or talk about how i'm feeling and it always ends up the same. he walks away or says, "i don't feel like talking right now". it's never the right time! i've just had it. that alone makes me feel like he doesn't give a crap, ya know?

he's still here and i wish he wasn't. apparently, he's leaving tomorrow. why he's waiting until then is beyond me but, i can't wait until he's gone.

i was so upset yesterday that i called my brother and had him pick me up. i spend most of the day and night there, came home after midnight. i had a good time though. i had FUN! I had a couple drinks (something i don't do because i was suppoting gerry not drinking), we did karaoki and had a blast. I needed that big time. i actually felt like ME last night and didn't have to worry if gerry was going to throw me any dirty looks or nasty remarks because of the fun i was having.

he's changed and i don't like who he's become. he's not at all the man i fell in love with. he's mean, bitter and turned into an anti-social hermit practically. i can't be with someone like that. i'm so not those things.

I took my rings off. i never take these off so for me to take them off and put them away, means i'm serious about this. i haven't taken them off since we got married.

he needs to leave so i can go through what i need to go through and bounce back. know what i mean?