[Paul]

I'm upset and I've been crying. My best friend in the world is throwing his life away and I don't know what to do. I don't want to sit idly by and watch it happen but is it even my place to get involved? I've told him most of how I feel but is it enough?

I have a friend I met when we were both 21, I've never told him this but he's my best friend in the world and I love him. I love him like a brother loves his brother and a best friend should love a best friend. He's the rare kind, the one that shares your likes, shares your dislikes and shares your goals and values. He's intelligent, attractive and has an inspirational flow about him. The way he takes to a task and produces his best possible is simply inspirational, he's motivated me at times when nothing else could. I've never met anyone like him or as important as him before or since. Let's call my friend "S".

S met a girl when he was 23, she was 18. He liked her because she was quiet, kind and attractive. A month later she was pregnant. This was not exactly what S had in mind. Then, as expected, things began to change in thier lives over the next 9 months as they planned for the future and the baby. She pushed for them to move to another city in another province so she could be closer to her friend. They moved there, had the baby but the girl, (I'll call her J) became increasingly unhappy with where they were living and pushed to move back to the city where they met. She was becoming more angry during her interactions with him and yet assured him that once they moved back, she would be happy. They moved back.

Within 10 months, J completely changed. S tells me that she is unrecognizable from the girl he met, that he worries she is suffering from depression and he encouraged her to get help. Over time she became increasingly violent and he became extremely unhappy with the relationship. They fight about everything and they have no sex life, while I'm standing there she says that he won't "f@#$ me anymore". He tells me that she uses it like an instrument against him and replies to her that all her bitching at him makes him not want to sleep with her. He tells her he wants to leave. She flips out completely, breaks stuff, accuses him of trying to get her pregnant in the first place, of cheating on her. After she calms down he tells her he'll stay one on condition, she must seek psychiatric counselling for her depression and anger. She agrees.

At this point I meet up with them in the city where they live as I'm visiting my family. I'm warned right away by S that there are certain things I can't say around J or there will be problems, specifically if I mention any women. Within the first day I make the mistake of saying something about my gf, to which J immediately comments something along the lines of "stupid bitch". He tells me that he's increasingly embarrassed to be around her, she says extremely inappropriate things and makes rude comments in public which cause him to hide his face. During this time I'm not aware of the full extent of the problems, however I learn very quickly that she is extremely unhappy living where they are and wants to move. I tell them I can hook them up if they want to come to Hamilton where I am. After much fighting between the two of them (she wants to go to Montreal, he to Hamilton), they make the journey to Hamilton.

They've been her 4 months now, he's taken on a new job and we've started a company together. J however hasn't made much of an effort to do anything. She left the call center job she got, after a week and was let go from 2 other jobs. Now during the day, S comes over to my house during the afternoon because he's allowed 3 or 4 hours away from the apartment to work on our stuff. Any longer then that and he is accused of not spending enough time with her. The job he took on, and I with him, is as mortgage consultants. The other company we started is a property renewal project which will take some time to get going. The problem with working on any of our business ideas and drumming up business is that we're not really able to do anything because he's on a very short leash.

When they got here, I took them out to Quiznos to try the subs, which are my personal favorite. While we were in the restaurtant, J became louder and more rude as she expressed frustration with not being able to see some of the vegetables they put on the sub, although it states on the menu board what is on it. It got to the point where she was screaming for the girl to not make the sub and that "if she makes that f*#@ing sub, I'm just going to throw it back in her face." She made a big show of not eating it and telling everyone how much she hated the place. I hid under the table, I couldn't believe it.

At this point, for the past 2 months, she's been sitting at home on the couch. The only time of day he is allowed to leave is when the soap operas are on and even then he gets called during every commercial break. Yes, every single one. It's extremely difficult to get any work done when she calls literally every 10 minutes and on top of that, she spends the time accusing him of being out cheating on her, all the while I'm sitting beside him pouring over interest rates and business appointment schedules. I explain that in order for us to get work done, this is unacceptable... he fears she will be angry with him so packs up his worksheets and goes home after being away for just 2 hours.

I've tried to compromise, I go over there sometimes to make it easier on him. He says she's nicer to him when I'm there, but most of the time I'm not welcome. I've been standing inside the doorway, after being invited over and J having been told I'm coming, only to have her scream at him that he's not spending any enough time with her and that no one is coming over. So I put my shoes on and go back home.

He does all the work around the apartment, she is a complete slob. I'm not just being down on her and siding with him, these are facts I observe. He gets up at 6:30 am every morning when the baby gets up, to feed her and dress her. He loves his little girl very much, she's the most beautiful child, so happy and full of life and she's his everything. Throughout the day he maintains his daughters sleep schedule, makes all the meals and cleans/maintains the apartment. J on the other hand is an admitted slob and doesn't lift a finger. She does however complain about everything he does, including the food he makes, and interrupts the baby's naps often, sometimes in the middle of the night she will go in and wake her up because she wants to see her. S has to remind her that she's not a doll, she's a child and that when J does this, it causes more work for him as he tries to get her back on her sleep schedule.

And then what pisses me off the most, J hits him. It's so wierd to say this because you don't really imagine it happening, but she's extremely abusive to him and hits him, a lot and hard. I've watched this happen and was shocked at how he just stood there, I don't know that I could do it. She tells him that if he defends himself, that she'll call the cops and tell them that he beats her. At least once a day she tells him that she's going to leave him and take half of his stuff, that she will take her daugher away and he will never see her again. Once he says that he'll leave, she hits him more, calling him down to the lowest and saying she won't let him. She's the same size as him and he tells me that when she punches, it hurts a lot but he would never admit it to her.

In the past month she has been saying that she wants to move again. This time to B.C. where her mother lives, the same mother she hasn't seen since she abandoned her kids 10 years ago to go live out there. J tells him that she'll be happy once she's out there. We're just starting to get business going and get a few customers, some money has come in and we're excited about our prospects. She doesn't care, she screams at him because she's not getting her way. So on the side he gets some part time work with the navy, he's in the Navy Reserves but it's increasingly difficult for him to go there as she accuses him again of spending time time that he's there, cheating on her. When he put the phone down the other day to do his training excercises, he picked it up an hour later and had 14 missed calls from her. 14!!

On top of this, I'm concerned for the baby. I see so much of my mother in J that it scares me, because J is even worse. My mother was never happy wherever we lived, we ended up moving 25 times and I went to 7 different schools that I can remember. My mom hit my dad and even broke his arm once. She beat me on many occasions and used mental games to beat me down, it wasn't until years later after thier divorce that she realized all the bad stuff she did and put as through pyschologically, for which she apologized. I've conveyed all this to S. This child can not grow up in this relationship, it will have a horrible affect on her watching her parents yelling, seeing the violence and perhaps eventually recieving it, and hearing the things her mother says about her father. A couple days ago J even accused the baby of trying to make her mad by not taking her nap when she was supposed to, S told her not to be crazy, that the baby just had her sleep schedule messed up again and was having trouble readjusting. This sent warning bells off in my head. I'm concerned for the child.

I'm concerned for him, she's sucking the life out of him and he looks increasingly defeated. Yesterday was the final straw, she told him that they were moving out to B.C. by April 1st and he has basically resolved himself to complying. The logic behind it is flawed and is based solely upon consoling her. He is concerned that he won't make enough money here, so he will instead sell his stuff and move out there. I explained that it's crazy to think he'd come out ahead with this plan, never mind the fact that he'd have to spend at least $1000 to ship his non-working car out there. He just sits there with his head down. I can't sit by and watch her destroy his life and that of thier child, he's the one doing all the work anyway, I explained that he should get custody, he just looks sad.

Here's my dilemma, I don't know what I can do or what I should, if anything. She's psychotic and should be institutionalized as far as I'm concerned. He's constantly discussing the topic, obviously deeply hurt and concerned by the whole thing. I give him the advice I think best and say things that a best friend would and should tell you. I can see he thinks about everything I tell him, weighing it but I'm afraid that fear is overriding logic here. After discussing the things that weigh him down, he goes home, only to return the next day a little more beaten and accepting of his defeat. I try to encourage him and helped him acheive a goal by getting him to sign up at the local gym and attend with me every morning. He's been so happy about it for the past week until yesterday, when he told me that he's been accused of using the time to cheat on her with other women.

She needs mental help NOW. He and his daughter need to be removed from the situation. He knows this but then sometimes he'll make comments about how she used to be happy and how he's trying to save her. I've sat by and tried to support him but time is running out. I can just keep my nose out of it or I can help him, so I'm weighing my options. I know he hears me but he needs to be empowered to take action. So here's my problem, should I push the issue and try to get him to leave her for his and the baby's sake? I've looked into psychological persuasion and different things someone can do/say to get some someone else on thier side but I don't know if I should do this, even if it is in order to help him. I want to confront her and call bull**** on her ploys, but this may just make his time alone with her that much worse. If it comes down to it, I may just call the police on her the next time she's hitting him, or go over there and physically remove him and the child from the situation.

I want to hear your opinions, what's your advice on the matter? What do you think can or should be done? I'm not going to do anything stupid but I'm sick over this and dead serious about it.