[Paul]

Interestingly enough it actually came to me quite easily, I think it's the culmination of what I've gone through during my life with various types of realtionships and what I've learned from being wrong all of those years. Mostly in the past I've taken my views on love from my parents and what I observed from those around me, having my parents split up after 25 years of marriage and seeing friends truely miserable in relationships simply because they are blind to or choose not to take action has really forced me to examine my own life and question my views.

Quite honestly I was raised to be an emotional cripple and I was for a time, my mother taught me well. I was the focal point for her agression and she would manipulate my father through her whining and crying, then I would be the target on which they would take out thier frustration. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents very much and can look back now and discuss this with them, but thier actions sent me confused signals and caused me to grow up quite insecure and unsure of anything. I was very shy when I met new people and would go to great lengths to avoid doing so, then when I did know people I was overly bold, the craving I had for attention would permit me to go far beyond what is acceptable behavior in order to gain the favor of my peers. I was very emotional, my highs were incredible and my lows were rock bottom and the change to either happened quite often. This was the teen years of my life. Dating relationships didn't happen, what little I did do was have purely physical relationships with a couple girls up until I was 19 but mostly they just made things worse. The fact that we moved every 2 years didn't help, I always had to make friends again and this became quite painful especially for a 2 year period where I was bullied in grade 6 and 7. I sought seclusion and just wanted to be alone, away from people, the school guidance counsellor told my parents it was a retardation of a sort on my part. I had a very hard time trusting people after that and if a guidance counsellor tried to talk to me after that, I pretty much just bull****ted them. Living in a small province, in a small city was hard too because it was a situation where you knew everyone or knew of them at least and you were always labeled. Once you got labeled then that's it, that's who you are for the rest of your life and no matter what you do these people will always try to drag you down and remind you of every mistake you've made in your life, they want you to fail and revel in it when you do. I remember when I moved to a new school one time and some kids knew people from the old school and it just carried over from one place to the next, how horrible is that?

The changes in my life have come from a few things, firstly God, then moving away from that province and then looking inward at myself. I use to take things very personally, hold things in and let them consume me. So I learnt to just let it go, let nothing bother me and say screw it. When I was about 21 I started doing this, after some bad situations ripped friendships apart and I saw some of the people for what they really were. I started saying screw it about people, what they would tell me, how they would try to keep me down and confine me to the box with the label they wanted. Basically I stopped caring what people thought of me and trying to do anything to please anyone else. The manner I did it was harsh in some ways and in fact this was at the time that I met this girl named Mary Anne who was just a kid who would hang around with us. During this time I realized I had to get away from this negative atmosphere and just start over, I cut off almost all my friendships including to that girl and with only a couple people knowing, I packed up and moved away. It was the best thing I ever did, being alone forced me to look at myself much more deeply and take some actions, make some decisions, for my life. I can quite honestly now say I haven't experienced any type of depressed feeling in over 2 years, have become totally independant and have a good job which I enjoy. In the past couple of years I've been toning down my "screw it" attitude a bit because it's not necessary anymore at the point I am in my life, plus I learnt that I had hurt a friend without even realizing it, the girl who is now my girlfriend, Mary Anne.

She also accepts me for my many flaws and doesn't expect me to be anything but who I am. The best part of that is I'm still not sure who I am or who I'm becoming but she continues to care about me without prejudice.

I know exactly what you mean bud, my girl cared about me despite what had happened and as we get to know each other more and more, I appreciate just how special and unique a person she is, how selfless she is and I adore her for it.

Sorry for the tangent, just got carried away but if anyone can take anything away from this I hope it is that you realize you are the maker of your own destiny. Your childhood and life experiences influence you but they do not make you who you are, that comes by choice. I started out getting beatings and being depressed and now have a healthy relationship with both my parents and having not felt depressed in years. The reason why? I believe in what one of my friends called a "revolutionary concept!" (lol) and that is that happiness is a choice! I absolutely 100% believe that. I'm not happy because of things that happen or people I'm with, I'm happy anyway and the good things that happen to me on top of that are just bonuses! I have friends who are only happy when they are high or drunk, they offer me substances and I turn them down but they don't get that. I explain to them that I choose to go through life with my eyes wide open and my head clear, I don't have to be drunk to have a good time, I can have just as much fun sober and have the benefit of remembering it. Life is fun, it's an adventure and you only get to do it once, I love it and I'm having a blast doing it. In all seriousness, there is no one I'd rather be in this world but me, who I am, the abilities I have, the life and opportunities I have are amazing! I know some people will probably think I'm a nutcase but to me life is awesome and frankly I want to remember every second of it! That's what life is about, experiences, so enjoy it. Live it!