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xX-CHAOS-Xx · 07-17-2005, 04:53 PM

I've never been to a doctor for them to tell me, but I know I am a depressed person.. For as long as i can remember I have been a pesemistic person.. I dont have many happy childhood memories. Dont get me wrong, my parents where not abusive and I feel they did the best they could with me. I was their first born and as such, I was a learning experience for them both. I have always had a problem with forgiving and forgeting. I hold grudges longer than what is healthy. WHen I was in school, I tried to stay away from confrontations. I was always a passive person. But all the rage and hate builds up when its not expressed. I have a very long fuse, but when it reaches its end, I really blowup.. I have always said I couldnt go through with suicide no matter how bad life gets. But when things do get bad, the thoughts are there.. I often carry the attitude that I dont care what anyone thinks of me and if they dont like it, they can just kiss my butt.. That attitude has probably hurt me more than helped.. I have always been afraid of hopeing for the best.. Everytime I do, nothing goes right and hope slaps me in the face. I tend to deal with problems better if I go into things expecting it to end bad.. When I go into things hopeing for the best and things go wrong, the feeling of defeat, loss, dispair is often to much for me to cope with. One day I had an eye opener and decided I would try to change my life and attempt to be optimistic.. I started careing for what people thought about me, trying to do better in improving my life, and becomeing more sociable and loving to my wife and daughter.. Now my wife is wanting to separate.. I feel like I am not supposed to ever be happy in life.. I feel like no matter how hard I try to look on the bright side, the darkness is always on the horizon for me.. The happiest day of my life was the day I got married.. And now im facing divorce from someone I still love dearly, and I dont understand why its coming to this.. The more I try to make things right, the more I try to better myself, the more I care about the ones I love... The worse off things get.. With my wife wishing to leave, she wants to take my daughter.. First of all, I cant imagine a day without my wife to wake up next to.. Second of all, the pain of knowing I will not be living with my daughter and being an active part of her life is so horrible, I dont know if I can face it.. I dont sleep at night, unless im exhausted from crying and worrying about whats in store for the day to come.. My future is so unclear right now, and it scares me to death.. I feel alone, defeated, and heartbroken..

07-17-2005, 04:53 PM	#1 (permalink)
xX-CHAOS-Xx New Member Join Date: Jul 2005 Posts: 7	Alone, Defeated, and Heartbroken I've never been to a doctor for them to tell me, but I know I am a depressed person.. For as long as i can remember I have been a pesemistic person.. I dont have many happy childhood memories. Dont get me wrong, my parents where not abusive and I feel they did the best they could with me. I was their first born and as such, I was a learning experience for them both. I have always had a problem with forgiving and forgeting. I hold grudges longer than what is healthy. WHen I was in school, I tried to stay away from confrontations. I was always a passive person. But all the rage and hate builds up when its not expressed. I have a very long fuse, but when it reaches its end, I really blowup.. I have always said I couldnt go through with suicide no matter how bad life gets. But when things do get bad, the thoughts are there.. I often carry the attitude that I dont care what anyone thinks of me and if they dont like it, they can just kiss my butt.. That attitude has probably hurt me more than helped.. I have always been afraid of hopeing for the best.. Everytime I do, nothing goes right and hope slaps me in the face. I tend to deal with problems better if I go into things expecting it to end bad.. When I go into things hopeing for the best and things go wrong, the feeling of defeat, loss, dispair is often to much for me to cope with. One day I had an eye opener and decided I would try to change my life and attempt to be optimistic.. I started careing for what people thought about me, trying to do better in improving my life, and becomeing more sociable and loving to my wife and daughter.. Now my wife is wanting to separate.. I feel like I am not supposed to ever be happy in life.. I feel like no matter how hard I try to look on the bright side, the darkness is always on the horizon for me.. The happiest day of my life was the day I got married.. And now im facing divorce from someone I still love dearly, and I dont understand why its coming to this.. The more I try to make things right, the more I try to better myself, the more I care about the ones I love... The worse off things get.. With my wife wishing to leave, she wants to take my daughter.. First of all, I cant imagine a day without my wife to wake up next to.. Second of all, the pain of knowing I will not be living with my daughter and being an active part of her life is so horrible, I dont know if I can face it.. I dont sleep at night, unless im exhausted from crying and worrying about whats in store for the day to come.. My future is so unclear right now, and it scares me to death.. I feel alone, defeated, and heartbroken..