[Paul]

I just had the weirdest most surreal conversation with my gf last night. Or should I say, ex-gf. She said she wanted to talk to me about something but she wouldn't say anything, she said it was probably just PMS that was making her feel confused. I coaxed it out of her while on the phone by getting her to write down her thoughts on MSN. Well the phone battery died and I ended up just talking to her for an hour online, our last conversation.

Basically she wanted to know if you can be in love with someone and have a crush on someone else. She said she was my girlfried and loves me but that she's confused. This crush topic has come up before because she'll tell her friends that she has a crush on someone. I asked her if she thinks that it's possible, she said yes but that her friends don't think that she's actually in love then. I asked her if she was in love with me, she said yes but if it's not love then it's pretty damn close. I said I felt it went against what love is defined as. I asked her about the other guy, she played it off but I asked her not to and she stopped, she talked seriously about it. His name is Liam, she likes him and would date him but she told him that she's in love. I asked her if the relationship has progressed physically, she laughed and said no, which from knowing her I take to be a lie.

Basically I stayed level headed through all of this and told her to ask herself some logical questions, not to be ruled by emotion. We went over several points including her moving up here in June, which was the plan. She basically said that she wants to move here more then anything and that she loves me but that the relationship seems to serious, that she wants me make her not feel like it's so serious. I explained to her that it was only as serious as she made it, that I never said forever and didn't expect her to. She had mentioned previously that she was looking in every guy she met (that was comforting) for something to fill a void in her and that she wanted to come stay with me in order to test that. She said that she wanted to know if staying with me would take away that void and that she thought it would make her stronger. I told her I didn't want to be the one she tested on, that if she feels that she has a void, even though she says she loves and is in love with me, and she is still looking then I obviously can't fill it. I told her I thought she was looking for me to make an excuse for her actions so that she didn't have to feel bad for it. She agreed with everything I said pretty much and said I was right and wished I wasn't. I told her that Dan (the guy she cheated on me with) and Liam and whoever else were lucky guys. I asked her if she thought it was weird that I loved her but didn't trust her at all, she said yes it's weird but that she understands why. In the end she asked by way of emoticon if we were still together, I told her that it had been up to her all along and the she probably had already made up her mind about all of that. She told me she was sad and then proceeded to say, "I'm so sorry". She said "I love you" and I told her I hoped the guys were worth it.

I explained to her and she knows that when I end the relationship, that's it, I don't communicate with the person anymore at all. I told her that what made me sad was that I would never talk to her again. The hardest part about this whole thing is that I truely do love her, despite her faults and mistakes, I love her with all my heart. I've never felt like this about anyone so needless to say it stings a little.

I don't know what to say, I mean, I know you get over it eventually and move on but I think I'm going to still be in love with her for a long time to come. A friend and I were talking last night and he said that when his ex-gf cheated on him and broke his heart, he became very distrusting and it has affected his new relationship, I'm concerned that it's going to be the same for me. But oh well, no need worrying about it right now, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.