[Duke]

Regrets, I have a few. Do you?

Crimes of my youth.

1) I was not too bad looking and dated a lot of different women regardless of commitment to any of them. I hurt some really great people.

2) Was a pothead and alcohol induced a-hole for about 6 months. Actually drove home with a car full of terrified passengers on the wrong side of the road in the middle of the night on curvy backroads. To make it interesting, I often did it with no headlights. I did this on more than one occasion.

3) I was the wheelman for a drug dealer who beat on his wife often. I never knew this until the end when I finally said goodbye to the life. I also hung out with pimps, prostitutes, carjackers and other known criminals. I never allowed myself to get sucked into the life even though the door was open. I had ample opportunity to co-run a drug distribution empire, become a pimp or drive for other criminals.

4) Cheated on most of my girlfriends up to the age of 27. Never again after that due to an overwhelming guilty conscience.

5) Planned my own suicide to the last detail. I'd be dead right now if it wasn't for a new born baby girl.

My daughter saved my life. I have no doubt of this as I was on a one way path to self destruction. I love my daughter for many reasons, all of which she has earned by simply being herself. I owe her my life.

Everything that I list above is in order of how it happened. I am the sole reason my life was as ****ty as I perceived it. I realized this one day and turned it around.

I hope this post doesn't make any of you think less of me but I guess this site, this forum, and this environment I'm trying to create is part of a giant purging process for me. Not only that but I honestly felt lost, hopeless and confused for a few years. I still see the face of a guy who jumped to his death from one of the local bridges here in the lower mainland. I still see the hopelessness in the red face that floats somewhere in the back of my mind.

My memories haunt me. I've learned a lot and lived a very full life. I regret some of the things I've done but wouldn't change them for the world. I think they helped to turn me into the sensitive pile of mush that stares back at me in the mirror ever day.

Thanks for reading,

Ken